Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll returns with a very special welcome: WELCOME TO PLANET DIVERSITY: AS SEEN ON TV! She writes:

We didn’t get T.V. until I was 12, and except for sports, I just never really took to it. Mr. Ammo Grrrll makes up for it, though. Either the T.V. is on or he’s not home. Oh, some programming is decent; but, I find most commercials since the retirement of the E-Trade babies unbearable. And would die happy if I never heard about erectile dysfunction again. Or puzzled over the bizarre outdoor twin bathtubs. What part of that looks sexy? Do they have bunkbeds, too?

When I was a kid, a deodorant commercial couldn’t even show the human armpit, which was considered unseemly. They showed statues, specifically, the Venus de Milo, who didn’t have arms, much less an offensive odor. Now there’s a blonde British babe prattling on about how erectile dysfunction happens to all men sometimes when they’re with their “honey.”

During the World Series, I saw a commercial featuring a young black homeowner who was extremely fond of his Dodge Dart. His neighbor, a cretinous white guy, kept trying to scratch his lovely new car with garden tools. The jerk’s motivation for this is a mystery. My African-American neighbor owns a nice Mercedes. Should I approach his car with a leaf-blower or pruning tool, I would expect to get shot. And deserve it. He is retired military.

As obnoxious and unrealistic as this Dodge commercial is – and, yes, I GET that it’s supposed to be edgy and humorous (Lololol!) – here’s the point: Never on this earth will you see the reverse in a commercial. On Planet Diversity, no white homeowner will ever be accosted by a tool-bearing black guy trying to harm his car. Ever.

Neither will any commercial for a home security system feature a crew of black home invaders. All the homeowner has to worry about on Planet Diversity is a plague of ugly white criminals in hoodies. To portray any black man as a criminal in a commercial would automatically be racist. With hell to pay from the Dynamic Duo of Rabble-Rousin’ Reverends.

Pay real attention to the commercials for just one night instead of making a sandwich. You will quickly notice there is an heirarchy of correctness for commercials on Planet Diversity.

There is equality of one sort: Married men of all races are hen-pecked morons whose wives are much smarter and more attractive. The pathetic idiots never know what cereal to eat or which laxative to use. It’s a miracle they can dress themselves and locate their jobs.

Black people are always cooler, smarter, and hipper than white people in commercials. Any doofus will be white. The guy with the “wrong” phone or computer will be white and uncool. Black people can be cutely wacky, like the football player who gets excited when his number comes up at the deli. But they can never be stupid, bad, ugly, or subservient.

Asians do not exist except very rarely as part of the wallpaper in a crowd scene and identifiable Jews do not exist at all. Any women who are “acting stupidly”, will also be unattractive. An example is “Helen” the bad dancer at the high school dance where JJ Watt appears. But in most ad “storylines”, women will be thin, pretty, and in charge.

Children of all races are smarter than adults, but particularly their fathers. Father not only no longer knows “best”; he knows next to nothing. He is lectured by his offspring about phones, computers, cars, and his own investments. Without kids to tell him what’s what, he would be probably be homeless. Once again, played for humor, but part of the relentless assault on everything male, traditional, or authoritative. Government is Big Daddy, Sugar Daddy, and Baby Daddy now; no need for any real flesh-and-blood fathers.

No matter how many other tribal subgroups are featured in the future, straight white men will still be the idiots and bad guys, so embrace it, my brothers. And don’t even get me started on the portrayal of Christians in network programming. It’s a national disgrace and would not be tolerated with any other religion, including wiccans or practitioners of voodoo.

Responses