Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll returns this week to ask: WHITHER THE EBOLA CZAR? She writes:

So for some time now, we have had a Czar to be in charge of Ebola. Oh, not an actual doctor, of course, just a spin doctor. A career bureaucrat and hanger-on. And we haven’t heard Word One about Ebola or the Czar since. Wouldn’t you love to know his salary? Wouldn’t you love to have it? Apparently, just appointing a Czar did the trick and the crisis is now over! Huzzah! I plan to appoint a Czar of Housekeeping and Cooking in hopes that those things will be taken care of as easily. Oh wait, I think that’s me.

So what has the head of the CDC been doing with his time, then? Could he not have outsourced to underlings the task of hounding people to get this year’s near-worthless flu shots? Better still, could they not have come closer to guessing the actual flu varieties for the shot so that my elderly parents didn’t get horribly sick along with all of their fellow residents in their assisted living facility? They all got flu shots like good little soldiers.

Then, too, they might have saved several hundred thousand dollars if they had decided to take a pass on studying why so many lesbians are fat.

Yes, the CDC is studying why so many lesbians are fat. Yet, the CDC itself points out that most gay men are thin and fit, so there’s nothing innate about “gayness” that makes one fat.

Now, If your average conservative had mentioned that even one lesbian was fat, they would be driven out of whatever profession they were in even if they owned the business. We live in a fun era in which calling a black man “thin” or “burly” or “from Chicago” is an MSNBC “dog whistle” of racism heard only by professional racist canines at MSNBC. So, the chances of giving offense are great and I shall try to avoid that. I believe that conservatives are actually kinder than liberals and there is no point in trying to hurt people’s feelings. I know and am fond of several lesbians, some on the heavy side, some not.

Nevertheless, the question of why some lesbians are fat is one that I can solve in an instant without tens of thousands of dollars, though I would be happy to accept some.

There are two reasons. First, because all lesbians are women! Yes, it’s true!

Lesbians, like all women of any sexual proclivity, get fat when they take in more calories than they burn in the course of a day. That’s it. It’s true for men as well, of course, but because women must have periods in order to reproduce, and a certain percentage of body fat to have periods, Nature has made it particularly tough for women to lose weight. Nature has a great sense of humor and, unlike liberals, Nature is plumb crazy about procreation.

We heterosexual women count among us many Plus Size ladies. Many. And there are beautiful, slender lesbians to be sure. I have known several. They are always fending off delusional but confident men who believe that if the lovely ladies tried them even once, they would change teams in grateful astonishment. These women would not be studied. Because they are not fat.

This brings us to the second reason some lesbians are fat. Some fat women are lesbians because they are fat, not the other way around. Again, I emphasize the “some.”

Many of those married heterosexuals who are now Plus Size did not start out that way. Men have a much narrower range of what they consider acceptable body types. Men who look like something you would cast for bait still believe that they are entitled to a “hottie”. Pot bellies, comb-overs, terminal flatulence, whatever; they feel they should merit nothing less lovely than a Dallas cheerleader at minimum, only younger. So women who want to attract men must fit, however temporarily, into desirable dimensions.

Speaking for myself, in college your Ammo Grrrll weighed 107 pounds. When I married at the end of my junior year, I gained 20 pounds. At the reception. Then you start having babies. I gained 30 pounds with my first child and weighed 5 pounds less than Mr. Ammo Grrrll, who is a foot taller than I am, when I delivered. Thankfully, I lost most, but not all, of that quickly. The baby, alone, weighed almost 9 pounds. I only gained 12 pounds with my second child, who was a foster child. The chances that I will ever see 107 again are roughly the same as the chances that American Sniper will win a Best Picture Oscar.

Not every woman living a lesbian lifestyle was gay from birth. Some had bad experiences with men and made a choice. But, there are also some women who might prefer men to women, but sadly, haven’t found a man who is attracted to them. It is true and I have known them. Everyone wants love and most women want a relationship. If men are not available, then some larger ladies will find each other. There. Show me the money.

Responses