Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll returns with a familiar question: DIDJA EVER NOTICE? She writes:

Didja ever notice that bad comics will overuse this convention?

I have accumulated a number of ideas that don’t necessarily merit a whole column on their own but yet are things that I want to comment upon. As an exercise in nostalgia for my old job, I thought it might be fun to use many of the clichés in a standup’s bag of tricks. So, here we go.

Hey, whazzup, ____________? (Insert your city here and cheer wildly at its mention, thereby proving that you know where you live.)

Give yourselves a round of applause for coming out to read Thoughts From the Ammo Line! (I find this the most odious of all the comedy conventions, by the way, except for asking “How you doin’ tonight?” Nobody cares. Shut up and do your material…)

Didja ever notice that the PC crowd believes we are duty-bound to let all people be whoever they say they are with but a single exception? If a treasonous little gay creep is feeling kind of PMS-y one day and declares that from now on he wishes to be addressed as “Chelsea,” then Chelsea he is called by all the hip correct people who sit with the cool kids in the lunchroom. Your tax dollars will also pay for his hormone treatments. Continue to call him either “him” or Bradley, and you’re an obvious H8R. Don’t even think of being a graduation speaker.

But if a terrorist group calls itself The Islamic Islamists for Really Strict Islam-y Islam, these same people feel perfectly comfortable insisting that whatever this group is about, and we have no clue, it has nothing to do with Islam. In fact, the FARTHEST from it, according to Mr. Strategic Patience.

Isn’t it remarkable that Barry feels it is really important to pronounce Tolly-bon and Pocky-ston correctly, but has no interest in getting the Marine Corpse right?

If the Tea Party had ransacked the IRS building out of rage at being targeted and discriminated against – not that I am for a minute suggesting that; they have their own SWAT team just for starters with billions of bullets. Lois Lerner’s snotty smug look alone could probably maim – do you think the President would advise them to “stay the course”? Me neither.

If the Tolly-bon are really “just like” the Continental Army in the Revolutionary War, do you think it is actually meant as a compliment when the Tea Party is called “The Taliban wing of the Republican Party”? Me neither.

If the married Rush Limbaugh had sexted a girlfriend with as lurid a series of messages as Steve Croft has sent his squeeze, how long would that have been a big story? A) For 2 weeks. B) For 3 months. C) For 4 Presidential election cycles. D) Till Hell froze over.

If Megyn Kelly had lied for many years about seeing bodies floating in a section of New Orleans that flooded up to her ankles, or taking enemy fire in a helicopter, the response from Democrats would be: A) Lying is groovy, but is there some way to make what she said racist? B) Is it remotely fair that anyone that beautiful should also be that smart? (no, wait, I’m confusing Democrats with my own personal take on the Magnificent Megyn).

Do you think Jen Psaki got her big promotion because — even while telling the most preposterous whoppers – she lacks the physical ability to blush?

How upset do you think Bibi was that John Kerry and Gropie Uncle Choo Choo were unavailable to meet with him during his visit due to urgent scheduling problems? I don’t know if Bibi even brought along a grope-able woman (admittedly, a low bar for Biden – breathing, apparently). How long do you think it took for Bibi to stop laughing when he heard that they would both be “out of the country” and Barry would be taking an important phone call during his speech?

Thank you very much! I’ll be here all week. Writing stuff for next Friday.

A lot of entertainers establish funds for charity. If you would care to, please send a check to the Ammo Grrrll Wildlife Fund. Remember, if you don’t give, I can’t lead a wild life. Or buy sufficient ammo. I’m especially looking for billions from foreigners. (Ho, ho. Just kidding! Really. Send no money. Except for the foreigners.)

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