The Rat Pack of Evil Roasts Barack Obama

It’s hard to say which is more surreal: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s real-life appearance at the United Nations, or the genius of Iowahawk’s imagined Rat Pack of Evil All-Star International Celebrity Roast of President Barack Obama!. First, the reality:

Iran’s hardline President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad provoked yet another controversy Thursday saying a majority of people in the United States and around the world believe the American government staged the Sept. 11 terror attacks in an attempt to assure Israel’s survival. …
The Iranian leader — who has in the past cast doubt over the U.S. version of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks — also called for setting up an independent fact-finding U.N. team to probe the attacks. That, he said, would keep the terror assault from turning into what he has called a sacred issue like the Holocaust where “expressing opinion about it won’t be banned”.

Ahmadinejad’s calculated insults would fit seamlessly into Obama’s “roast” by the world’s evil celebrities. In fact, Mahmoud is the master of ceremonies in Iowahawk’s vision, which is, needless to say, much funnier than the proceedings at the U.N. A bad language caution, however, is in order. Don’t read further if you are easily offended.

But, hey, enough about these losers. Let’s talk about the man we’re all here to honor tonight: my pal, Barack Obama.
What a mensch this guy is. Total sweetheart. As soon as he was elected, he told me he would come to the negotiating table without preconditions. You know what ‘preconditions’ are? That’s Persian for ‘balls.’ Barack, one look at the stars on the stage proves you still have a knack for community organizing. You’ve brought the entire evil community together, in the spirit of international dialog, to ask you one simple question: how does our ass taste?
But not everybody has a sense of humor. When I was planning this roast, I sent invitations to every bigshot infidel TV comic in Satanland, but they all turned me down. Was it my holocaust one-liners? My ballistic missile schtick? Nope. These douchebags said they couldn’t think of anything funny about Barack Obama. Not a single thing.
(scattered groans, boos)
Yeah, exactly. I mean what the fuck? Maybe I should get my SAG card, because, come on, this clueless pussy is the biggest gift to international insult comedy since Neville Chamberlain. Holy dung, when we heard the infidels elected him, I almost had to shut down my nuke program. My scientists were laughing so hard they kicked over half of our centrifuges!
(Ghadaffi sprays tea on Assad)
But, no-o-o, all these professional comedy dipshits keep telling me Professor Urkel over here is some sort of infidel sacred joke cow. I called up Letterman, and I’m like, Dave how about a couple Obama zingers for the roast tonight? He’s like, “no, no, too controversial. Everybody loves him.” And so I’m like, how about if I just insult America? So he’s like, “yeah, sure, that’s fine.”
Okay then, here’s one: man, that America is one stupid country.
(audience: HOW STUPID IS IT?)
It’s so fucking stupid it elected Barack Obama.
Hey, hey. I kid because I love. In fact, unlike that last mumblemouth infidel asshole, Barack has been a breath of fresh air to the entire evil comedy community. He doesn’t whine about the way we treat broads or homos or journalist hostages or our uranium stockpiles. Nope. He just smiles, and apologizes, and politely asks us to “unclench our fists.” Hey bro, I’d love to, but that’s kinda hard to do when it’s stuck inside your duodenum.

Thus does the line between news reporting and satire blur.

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