Preserving the rules of decorum is always a challenge, especially in wartime. The great Iowahawk has therefore published “war etiquette tips” by “The Hon. Lindsey Graham of the Charleston Grahams.”
Senator Graham of course condemns unnecessary rudeness toward the Koran and laments the apparent difficulty created by the Constitution in enacting a law against it.
“Until such time as my legislation is enacted, the least we can do as gentlemen is to endeavor a mending of the frayed relationship now existing between ourselves and the Taliban,” he advises via Iowahawk. “In this regard, I would like to apply another lesson I learned at Miss Buelah Fontaine’s academy: the gracious apology note.” Here it is:
The Right Reverend Ayman Al-Zawahiri
Cave 37-B, Kandahar Arms
My Dearest Reverend:
On behalf of my colleagues, please allow me to express our deepest shame at the blasphemous action of one our citizens in the incident that so rightly vexed you and other devout followers of the Prophet. Please rest assured that as a civilized nation we in no way condone or tolerate this type of behavior. Although we cannot undo the unimaginable hurt his thoughtlessness caused, we will leave no stone unturned until he has made amends. Your recommendations for a just punishment will of course be given every consideration.
In closing, I hope by putting this incident behind us, we can return to an existential conflict befitting our two great and gentlemanly peoples. I remain, as always,
Your Faithful Servant, etc.,
The Hon. Lindsey Graham of the Charleston Grahams
“I hope you now see how a bit of cordiality acts as a soothing balm to the deepest wounds,” Senator Graham states in the text provided by Iowahawk. I am certainly feeling better already.