Power Line’s Washington Bureau has obtained a secret recording of the latest double-secret central committee meeting of Rush Limbaugh’s “Operation Chaos.” The thick cigar smoke in the room degraded the recording quality, and our voice-print analysis software can’t confirm that the Ouija board pronouncements really are the voice of the late Lee Atwater, but we can confirm the rest of the participants. We pick up right from the opening puff:
Rush: Gentlemen, I’m really starting to worry that our plan of placing our hand-picked, CIA-groomed Manchurian candidate Obama in the White House to unravel liberalism from within is working too well and too fast. We’re in danger of repeating 1968, when, having failed to keep Bobby Kennedy in the cabinet and not foreseeing that that nobody Gene McCarthy would knock out LBJ, we almost blew the election when the Democrats changed horses.
Karl: Yeah, but at least we still have Hillary locked safely away in the Cabinet. Surely she needs to head off to Libya or somewhere for the next few months? And Russ Feingold and Howard Dean are total wimps and won’t dare step forward to challenge our guy.
Roger: Shut up, Rove. You’re part of the problem here. Your American Crossroads spent too much on the two House special elections this week, turning them into blowouts. I thought we agreed that we only wanted very narrow wins so as not to alarm the Democrats too much. Now they’re starting to panic for real, and look around for a way to get Obama out without upsetting black voters and starting a civil war inside the Democratic Party.
Rupert: Yes, but don’t worry my trusty lieutenant. Carville is moving to stanch the damage with his wild ideas of having Obama purge his staff and Eric Holder indict bankers. Clearly our agent Mary Matalin’s wiles are finally starting to work on that guy. Just keep your eyes on my broadcast news network, Roger, and we’ll get through this.
Karl: Wait a minute Rupert. It could be that Carville is playing the outside game, hoping Obama will do something so crazy and self-destructive that he decides himself to step aside, while some insiders quietly urge Obama to be a one-termer. Never forget that Carville’s loyalties are still with the Clintons. I’m not so sure our agent Matalin can be relied upon. I’ve always suspected she might be a double.
Voice From the Ether by Ouija Board: Hey, y’all. I’m wondering whose bright idea it was to have the Administration cancel the new EPA greenhouse gas rules this week? I know you wanted to stomp on Al Gore’s global warming telethon, but wasn’t canceling the ozone regs a couple weeks ago enough to get the enviros all demoralized? (Now where’d I put my Gibson blues guitar??)
Karl: I think Charles and David ordered this.
Rush: No, no it was me! Think of the sheer entertainment value if Gore suits up and comes out of retirement to challenge Obama. I’ll have to go to four hours a day on the air to keep up. I keep hearing that Obama may be depressed, just like Jimmy at Camp David in July 1979–he barely avoided a complete nervous breakdown. Gore is my insurance policy in case Obama is about to crack. Seeing Al-the-Mortician-Gore in his rearview mirror would bring him back up to a 9.5 on the Couric Perkiness Scale overnight. We really need him to hang on, like Jimmy in 1980. That was a close shave with Kennedy—too close. I’m seeing real danger signs here, folks. When Obama starts saying, “If you love me—. . .”
At this point the tape breaks off. . .