This just in

R.H. Potfry retired from The Nose On Your Face three years ago, but he has briefly reemerged to reveal the Commander in Chief’s recent letter to Syria. By internal evidence, it appears to have been written Saturday or Sunday:

Dear Syria:

An update on your impending bombing: we are waiting for Congress to come back into session and hoping to work out our autumn schedule at that point.

With the NFL season kicking off in earnest on Sunday, September 8, and series premieres rolling out through most of the month, scheduling your punishment is not going to be easy. We thought we had an opening on September 20 but Secretary of State Kerry refuses to DVR Shark Tank.

While we’re on the topic of scheduling, if you had it to do over again, would you have scheduled the gassing for mid-August? I mean, seriously, do you guys vacation? Do you have any idea how hard it is for our government officials to look stern and judgmental against the backdrop of a yacht club?

Anyway, our indignation at you gassing your own people hasn’t faltered, blah blah blah. A carefully-measured, congressionally-approved (fingers crossed) response awaits you. We’ll send a scheduler.

President Barack Obama


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