When the vampire thing came along, I was like, meh. Likewise with zombies. Amazingly enough, Hollywood has now made more zombie movies than Westerns, but I don’t care, I’m just not interested. I wasn’t, anyway, until yesterday, when I saw this headline in the Minneapolis Star Tribune: “Man stole delivery truck because he was ‘running from zombies.'”
As you may have suspected, alcohol was involved:
After stealing a newspaper delivery truck from a gas station, an intoxicated Apple Valley man told police that he took it because he was “running from zombies,” according to criminal charges filed this week.
Garrett Howard Hurlbut, 23, was charged with stealing a motor vehicle on Sept. 29. Just after 1 a.m., according to court documents, Hurlbut stole the Star Tribune delivery truck while its driver was dropping off newspapers inside an Apple Valley Kwik Trip on W. 145th St.
It is easy to see why the Strib took an interest in this story; it was their delivery truck that was stolen. But, really: why would anyone steal a newspaper delivery truck if he wasn’t fleeing from zombies? Otherwise, he’s going to do what, go drag racing?
Police found Hurlbut near the truck several blocks away, at 140th Street and Cedar Avenue. He told police that he had “jumped or fell from the truck” and was “running from zombies,” according to the criminal complaint.
According to the complaint, the defendant had “bloodshot, watery eyes and a strong odor of alcoholic beverages on his breath.” He was found to have a blood alcohol level of .198, more than twice the legal limit for driving.
Now, let’s be fair to Mr. Hurlbut: a blood alcohol reading of .198 is admittedly a little high–quite high–but seriously, is it enough to make you believe, with no other evidence, that you are being pursued by zombies? I don’t think so. Something more is going on here. Like the fact that this incident took place within a mile and a half of my house.
Until now, I have scoffed at the idea of a zombie apocalypse, but this is serious–zombies in my back yard, so to speak. It is time to take measures. Problem is, I’m a little behind. Do zombies fear revolvers? Semiautomatic pistols? Tactical shotguns?
Let’s not take any chances: I think it is time to buy a couple new firearms. My wife will totally understand.