So, what are those wacky folks at the EPA up to these days? Writing regulations 38 times longer than the Bible? Playing “Keeping Up with the IRS” in destroying emails that Congress has requested? Worried about new forms of solid waste?
If you guessed the last one, you’d be right. More right than you might imagine. Turns out EPA employees have been . . . pooping in EPA hallways. Now, I’m used to the EPA producing prodigious amounts of bovine excrement in the form of smelly scientific findings and odiferous cost-benefit analyses, but I guess some EPA folk have decided to cut out the bovine middlemammal and do the job themselves, thus confirming what sensible people have always known: the EPA is full of shit:
It appears, however, that a regional office has reached a new low: Management for Region 8 in Denver, Colo., wrote an email earlier this year to all staff in the area pleading with them to stop inappropriate bathroom behavior, including defecating in the hallway.
In the email, obtained by Government Executive, Deputy Regional Administrator Howard Cantor mentioned “several incidents” in the building, including clogging the toilets with paper towels and “an individual placing feces in the hallway” outside the restroom.
Now, when confronted with a new form of pollution, what does the EPA do? Hire a consultant, of course. To study the situation and confirm that human poop in office hallways is indeed an environmental hazard:
Confounded by what to make of this occurrence, EPA management “consulted” with workplace violence “national expert” John Nicoletti, who said that hallway feces is in fact a health and safety risk. He added the behavior was “very dangerous” and the individuals responsible would “probably escalate” their actions.
Like what—pissing even more on the American people? And how would that be different from any other average day at the EPA? But not to worry: I’m sure they’ll declare the pooped-up EPA office a Superfund site, and will recycle the, um, material.
As Will Rogers liked to remind us, it’s no trouble being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
JOHN adds: So, yeah, let’s give these people total control over our lives. What could go wrong?