Ammo Grrrll returns with timely thoughts on NEGOTIATING 101. She writes:
I have been married to Mr. Ammo Grrrll for 48 happy years. God forbid anything should happen to this marriage, but if it should, I want Barack Hussein Obama and John FibSwiftboat Kerry to be the attorneys for my husband.
Me: I want the house in Arizona and both cars. Plus alimony of $10 million a month. In gold. I need to buy a lot more guns. A lot. He can have the Papa Murphy coupons, all science fiction, and any souvenir t-shirts or caps mentioning the Chicago Cubs. I need substantial child support as well.
HBO/JK: Fine. We are just hunky-dory with that. We weren’t aware you had a little dependent child.
Me: He’s 42. Still on my insurance under Obamacare’s newest extension. I also want the house in Minnesota and all the CDs. Also the CD player.
HBO/JK: Sounds fair to us. Apparently, the CD player is the one technological device you can actually operate. We do fail to grasp why anyone would live in Minnesota. Have you seen Fargo, for Pete’s sake?
Me: Be that as it may. I need my 401K, of course, but I want his too. It’s quite a bit bigger than mine.
HBO/JK: We see no problem with that.
HBO/JK: We would like to inspect your checkbook and portfolio to make sure you aren’t hiding any assets that would normally be part of community property. You know, if we could. Please.
Me: Inspections? Are you crazy? Inspections were never on the table. No. Death to you, Great Satan, and Satan Mini-Me.
HBO/JK: Well, OK, then, we give up. Don’t say we didn’t try.
Me: As well you should give up, you sons of pigs and dogs.
HBO/JK: We see that you are holding his four boxes of baseball cards hostage. Could we possibly mention that he would like those back before we conclude here?
HBO/JK: You seem bitter and angry even though you’ve won. Will you promise not to kill him any earlier than 10-15 years from now?
HBO/JK: You do know, right, that crossing your fingers is childish and does not invalidate this negotiation that 99% of the whole wide world supports?
Me: Neener, neener.
HBO/JK: Well, guess we’re done here. Another successful settlement. Where’s our Peace Prize?