Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll takes on a new role this week as she plays MS. MANNERS FOR PLANNED NON-PARENTHOOD FLAKS. She writes:

Sometimes when a Cosmo Girl of Today has lunch with pals, sipping an amusing little glass of merlot, the question of what to talk about arises. The old admonition against sex, religion, and politics, is, of course, laughingly out of date. Still, there are some topics to be avoided, particularly if food is involved.

Body parts are fine if you are referencing Courageous Caitlyn’s cleavage. Or Kim Kardashian’s kapacious kaboose. (What IS it with that family and why does anyone else CARE???) Or chatty vaginas having adorable monologues. Those body parts are of general interest to everyone, especially those famous pictures of Kim’s kaboose covered with half the sand from the Sahara. Tasteful and topical! Or is that tacky but tropical?

But talking about selling baby livers, hearts and limbs, Ms. Manners feels, should only be done in a non-food setting or at worst, over white wine, never red.

Remember, too, that the correct word is “harvested,” you know, like wheat, corn, soybeans, and such – the kinds of things sweaty, icky farmers from Flyover Land handle — and never off-putting, judgmental words like “dismembered” or “crushed.” Ms. Manners reminds you that the only “sin” in liberalism is being judgmental.

Ms. Manners knows that you Enlightened Womyn of Today will be eating “clean,” probably vegan, so there’s little danger that talk about livers and limbs will remind you of any gross thing on your plate like a chicken leg or organ meats wrapped in bacon or anything, God forbid! You are much too sensitive for that! Your abiding and loud concern not only for whatever food paradigm is current this week, but for the well-being of the entire animal kingdom, not to mention the planet, goes without saying.

But Ms. Manners also knows that you are devoutly into recycling, religiously separating all manner of materials such as paper, glass and the evil plastic and aluminum. So, it would be a shame – would it not? – if you already have a variety of “parts” that could somehow be utilized and you failed to recycle? What if they could even be sold at a cost-plus profit in order to buy another pair of darling Jimmy Choo shoes? Some people take their aluminum cans to a recycling center themselves and make a little cashola. It’s exactly the same thing. Pizza boxes, milk cartons, Pepsi cans, baby livers, same diff.

So, in conclusion, Ms. Manners suggests happy, cheery topics over your tofu, arugula and brown rice. A few starter ideas: making sure that testing cosmetics on animals is done with the highest regard for the health and safety of the dear wittle bitty animals; or saving rainforests, or banning paper and plastic bags. Fair Trade coffee, dolphin-free tuna – all fine topics Ms. Manners can endorse. Sales of baby livers harvested by experienced crushers that avoid mangling the liver is best saved for private quiet discussions far far from the prying eyes of guerrilla videographers and taxpayers bitching about being forced to pay for such atrocities simply because they hate womyn.

Bonus Discussion Question: How on Earth do you even find a heart, an arm, a liver in what we have been told for 42 years is “a clump of cells”? Good Lord! Is there a baby in there after all??