Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll reveals a few things that make her laugh in BETTER READ THAN DEAD (A magazine for our anxious times). She writes:

Again, with no politics, my friends. Maybe next week, last chance for me to rock the vote. If this column had any influence whatsoever, Trump would be leading by 50 points…oh, wait, that was supposed to be Hillary, she said, on account of how awesome she believes she is. Anyway, this column is going to be about my favorite checkout line magazine at the grocery store, one I buy with unflagging optimism week after week.

Admittedly, today’s offering may appeal more to the ladies, but you guys, of course, are still strongly encouraged to read this, as you may get some insight into the lady in your life, and you may even find it amusing.

If you did a Venn Diagram of, first, Jewish Women in the Arts and Conservatives, sadly, you would find quite a small slice of overlap. And if you diagrammed Conservative Jewish Women in the Arts with People Who Love Guns, you would likely have an intersection of one, me. One is the loneliest number in a Venn Diagram!

So there are really few magazines aimed at me except possibly American Rifleman. But Ammo Grrrll, like you, is not just a one-dimensional person. No sirree, Bob. And several years ago, she found a magazine that addresses other important facets of herself. No, it’s not The National Enquirer, but it often sits next to it at the checkout line.

Woman’s World – a magazine aimed at patriotic, religious, weight-conscious women of early middle to late, late middle age, who are also hypochondriacs – is an almost perfect fit for me, even though it is depressingly light on the gun talk.

It is a magazine targeting the millions of women who are perpetually on the lookout for the perfect, painless way to lose 20 lbs. by Friday, and are anxious about a wide variety of health concerns, including but not limited to, anxiety itself, thinning hair, insomnia, dry parts that shouldn’t be, and “leaky gut,” a condition I had never heard of until I read this magazine. Silly me, I thought that was pretty much a self-contained system. Holy crap! So to speak.

Like every women’s magazine in the history of publishing, in addition to a miracle diet touted on the cover, there are also delicious fattening recipes that, if you make them, will guarantee a permanent market for all eternity for books and magazines peddling diet tips. Is that brilliant marketing, or what?

One of the things I love most about Woman’s World is that in a chaotic, scary, and ever-changing world, it is so consistent in its format that it has to be a fill-in-the-blanks template. Each regular feature appears on the exact same page every issue! Mercifully, it pays no never mind to current events. Pagea 8 and 9 feature a two-page budget fashion spread. Pages 10 and 11, I’m sorry to say Ammo Grrrll skips, as they are all about either nails or makeup, being applied by the prettiest, happiest women in the world, who are also 1/3 Ammo Grrrll’s age. Would that I could be that happy applying blush! Memo to self: Maybe buy some?

Pages 12-16 get to the meat of every issue: 24/7 concern that something is wrong and needs correction. But it must be an easy fix. How can you not love “Slim Your Waistline – by chewing gum!” Or, “Keep Your Skin Young – with Cocoa!”? (Where did I put those mini-marshmallows?)

Another thing I love about the magazine is its reassuring level of specificity. Eating oatmeal and berries for breakfast isn’t just a general good idea, my friends. It could cut your LDLs 10% in one month, according to a “study,” possibly by the Oatmeal and Berry Institute! And eating more broccoli – a mere 3 cups weekly, which very thought makes me gag – is “shown to force intestinal yeast cells to expire 50% faster than normal!” Not 43%; not 52%, but 50% exactly!

Ah yes, I make fun. But, do I have notebooks filled with suggestions like these from my 5-year collection of the magazines? Yes, I do.

I take a back seat to no one in Hypochondria. If you are an actual biological woman who, experiencing a day or two of “frequent urination,” has never once worried you might have prostate cancer, then, no offense, but you are not in my Hypochondria League.

And then we arrive at the every-single-week cover story on the latest, greatest, easiest, most effective diet EVER. Since there really are only a handful of paradigms for weight loss in the world, all of which – bottom line – involve short-term starvation, these diets are recycled pretty much every few months with slightly different twists.

Some of the stories are indeed inspiring with pictures to match. God bless someone who has lost 150 lbs. and kept it off for two years. Here she is in her “Before” picture, in a shapeless dress, dead-on to the camera, stringy hair, no makeup and flat shoes. And here she is in the “After” picture, slightly angled, in multiple layers of Spanx, new hair color, new hairstyle, beautifully-made up, wearing high heels. Talk about your flattering comparisons!

Well, I have to go get another Dove Bar now based on the cover tease: “Breakthrough! CHOCOLATE REVERSES AGING!” If that really were true, with the amount of chocolate I have consumed in my life, any day now I should be re-enrolling in junior high. Hope I do better in Algebra this go-round. I plan to solve for that pesky, elusive “X” once and for all.

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