Thoughts from the ammo line

Today is the day we’ve all been waiting for. Ammo Grrrll takes the occasion to look back and peer into the future in PRESSTITUTES. She writes:

First of all, on this amazing day, congratulations to the entire Trump team. As even Bernie Sanders pointed out, President Trump beat the establishment of both parties, Hollywood, Broadway, academia, AND the most biased, whole-fist-on-the-scale media mopes since Pravda. It was a thing of beauty.

One of my college suite-mates was a journalism major. She was a very smart Jewish girl from the Boston area. Northwestern University had a world-famous J-School at that time. They taught deplorable things like objectivity, not inserting oneself into the story, getting the “who, what, where, when and why”; spelling the names right, checking and rechecking your sources. You know, that kind of stuff popular with the ink-stained wretches of yore.

I’m sure by now it is right in step with the current “Be An Advocate for Social Justice,” “Make (Stuff) Up if It Doesn’t Fit the Narrative” School of Post-Modern Journalism Ethics, but there was a day when things were different. A time before the Fourth Estate decided collectively to have an Estate Sale on neutrality. Back in the day, never displaying bias was a matter of honor and principle. Now there’s a conclave on “How to Cover Trump.”

Watching President-elect Trump’s first hilarious presser – who knew he could be as witty as JFK and with the same “vigah” even though he is 30 years older than JFK was? – I could not help but think of what a difference eight years makes in the demeanor of the press. See if you can spot the differences.

I’m going to be taking a few liberties – why not? – with what was said then and now. It’s called parody. So even though I might make a few things up, it’s still the “truth.” Dan Rather said so. And Hollywood called the terrible, lie-filled movie about his demise Truth, without even referencing George Orwell. Thank God only about twelve people saw it. So here we go:

First question to President-elect Obama: “Mr. Almost-President, with your own special seal and cool podium and everything: Are you going to get a dog? And, if it’s not too much trouble, sir, what KIND of dog. Thank you, Your Grace.”

First question to President-Elect Trump: “Adolf, I mean Donald, excuse me, did you stop beating Melania before or after you hired hookers to pee in Obama’s bed in Putin’s Russia?”

Question to President Obama Six Months Later: “Mr. President, Mr. President, oh please call on me, I love you and my leg is all tingly, but…oh, thank you, Your Eminence. I just wondered how that dog thing is coming along? Have you narrowed down the breed of dog or the gender if the dog has chosen how xe wants to be identified? Also, if I could ask just one follow-up question, so that I could continue to bask in the warm glow of your focus, is it true that African-Americans of which you are the first to be President, all have chiseled pecs or do you do some special workout and could I watch sometime?”

Question to Trump Six Months Later: “President Trump, I was hoping you could clarify the latest daily dossier Senator McCain has shared with the FBI saying that you and Jared Kushner prepared matzohs for your Passover with Putin using the blood of little immigrant DREAMer children some of whom have to shave twice a day. Or the blood of gay puppies. The memo thought either was possible. I mean, ALL these memos can’t be fake, right? Not like the hate crimes hoaxes, surely. Oh, and also, why, if matzohs appear to have a perforated natural break, do they never actually break on that dotted line?”

First Anniversary Question to Obama: “What else could it possibly be but racism, racism, racism that would make these racist white gun- and God-obsessed bitter white clingers ever disagree with you in such a privileged white way about anything when you are so perfect and also black?”

First Anniversary Question to President Trump: “Do you think people will ever start watching the NFL or movies, I mean, films, again? Several of our courageous athletes have suffered career-ending knee injuries during the National Anthem and our celebrities are getting really tired of just making boring YouTube thingies where they all repeat the same inane phrase or finish each others’ sentences. Some of them have had to sell off their fourth or fifth homes.”

Shep Smithers: “Come ON, Mr. President. Comrade Acosta has been standing in that corner for a year now at every press conference. A Time Out is one thing, but this is getting ridiculous. And stop reminding everyone that President Obama called out FOX News every time he opened his mouth. Sure, I’m from FOX News, but President Obama didn’t mean me. I’m a Democrat. Also gay, which merits a Get Out of Jail Free Card. Except for Milo.”

Millicent Madcow: “I am coming to you on remote from our secret MSNBC bunker to bear witness as we wait for the knock on the door taking us all to camps. We’ve been here for a year now, waiting, dreading, trembling, and it’s almost as if nobody cares what we have to say enough to lock us up or even look for us. But we know that can’t be true, because we are so very important. And so we wait. Rosie, Whoopi, Cher, Joy and me. Rosie called for the imposition of martial law, Whoopi is convinced she will have to pick cotton so we wait and we … I swear to God, Joy, shut the [bleep] up. Are you aware that your voice is like fingernails on the blackboard? If you say one more word, just one more word…”

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