Thoughts from the ammo line

We all need this and Ammo Grrrll now thoughtfully provides it: APOLOGIES: A HANDBOOK. She writes:


Well, a talentless has-been who has recently inflicted herself on Australia and shall remain nameless, has retracted her weepy apology for being photographed with a grotesque bloody beheaded Trump mask. Color ME shocked! I totally believed she was sincere when she finally apologized after exhausting all other options and finding none worked.

Her best strategy would have been to issue a heartfelt, come-to-Jesus apology, especially to Barron Trump, live on the interest on her net worth of $20 million, then get out of the spotlight and keep her mouth shut for a couple of years and then gradually work her way back into the public eye, starting with charitable events for neutral causes. Americans are ridiculously-forgiving people. Marion Barry was reelected mayor after going to prison and being caught smoking crack with a lady not his wife, for Pete’s sake.

But where’s the fun in that for an aging, attention-driven brat? She tried a shotgun approach instead with multiple themes starting with the always-popular “I am a VICTIM – old white men have been trying to keep me down my whole life” to “The Trumps have broken me!” to “I’m sorta sorry” to the current “Trump has done way worse things and the reaction to what I did was BS and I’m BACK, baby. And P.S. I was never sorry. So there. Anyone who disagrees is a white supremacist.” Very, very charming and mature for a woman in her late 50s. But nothing unexpected from a Mean Girl who made millions saying ugly things about the Palin kids.

Which got me thinking about apologies in general. As a Power Line public service, I will give you this little thumbnail sketch of apology etiquette to clip and save.

IN MARRIAGE

Your best option here is prevention. It’s a terrible rookie mistake to allow yourself to be drawn into a discussion of 1) “Do you think this dress makes me look fat?” or, 2) Which of my girlfriends do you think is ‘hot’?” Any missteps in either of these cases will result in an apology, extended time in the guest bedroom, and an extravagant gift. And there basically IS no answer to either question that would not be a misstep.

However, should a discussion be unavoidable – perhaps you’ve both had several Margaritas? — here are two answers. Memorize them. Then eat the paper.

Q: “Do you think this dress makes me look fat?” A: “There is no item of clothing that would make you look anything but beautiful, and you are even more beautiful without clothing at all.” Do not be tempted to “gild the lily” by naming favorite parts and under no circumstances should you mention the word “thighs” and “the Donner Party” in the same sentence.

Q: “Which of my girlfriends do you think is ‘hot’?” A: “Well, honey, I never see them when you’re not around, and when you are around, there is only one hot woman in the room.” (If you are lucky, it will be much later before she realizes this is a tad vague and possibly even ambiguous. Hopefully, you will be on a business trip to Cleveland or an over-the-road trucking trip to Bakersfield by the time she thinks it through.)

IN POLITICS

All sorts of unseemly things happen in politics, mostly because wretched, greedy, pathological liars with good hair are drawn to politics. Some of these things could require insincere apologies along the lines of “I’m sorry anyone was offended when I called half the American people racists. Even though they are.”

But usually this unfortunate situation only arises if you are a Republican. If a Democrat’s screw-up even gets reported at all (damn Fox News and those pajama-clad independent bloggers!), it will make no mention of party affiliation and be relegated to page 37 of the paper.

Let’s say you get caught red-handed giving out the debate questions in advance to only one debater. You might think that you would be in some kind of trouble. Ask yourself: are you Black? AND a woman? No problem! Take a belligerent stance and face the camera proudly and say that you are a Black, Christian Woman and you won’t stand for this kind of attack.

Let’s say you are a white, male Democrat with no apparent victim category to shield you from a charge of fooling around. Uh-oh. But wait! With whom did you fool around? Woo-hoo! Have a press conference and announce to the world that you are “a Gay-American.” End of story.

Perhaps you are a white male pedophile pervert who likes to use your small child as a prop when you text pictures of your bonerific Underoos to teenage girls. Because you are a Democrat – and, oh yeah, the husband of the First Female President’s Best Friend Forever – you will be given a mulligan and you can even run for office again! New Yorkers are so sophisticated! It’s not like you came from Oklahoma or Utah or something.

But here’s the thing. And I cannot emphasize this part enough, politicians. The behavior must STOP. If you do it again, using the mortifying pseudonym of Carlos Danger, and get caught again, possibly even impacting the election of the First Female President, well, then you are toast. Now you must attend costly sex addict therapy sessions, which, for some reason, involve horses, and you must grovel, and STILL your wife divorces you. You have no friends because you are too stupid to live. If you are anyone other than Anthony Wiener, you must now announce that you are resigning to “spend more time with your family.” Carlos may even have to get a real job. The only Carlos I know shinnies up palm trees with cleats on to trim the fronds. I could ask if they’re taking on any more help. It’s dangerous work and pays pretty well.


REGULAR PEOPLE


You have hurt someone’s feelings, hopefully not on purpose. Own it. Acknowledge it. Don’t weasel around offering excuses. Apologize for it for real. Ask for forgiveness. Don’t do it again. Accept forgiveness and continue on with your life, humbled that you are forgiven and having learned to be more sensitive in the future. Oh, and pay it forward – forgive others when they hurt you. It is called, among other things, “growing up.”