Just in time for the new year, Ammo Grrrll deliberates: 2018: RESOLUTE OR DISSOLUTE? She writes:
In just three days the year will roll over to 2018. This is kind of a disconcerting number for me because for 38 years, that was my house number in my St. Paul suburb. Feels weird for it now to be a date. My hand will automatically add “Kenwood Drive” after 2018.
I am determined this year to make a series of Important Resolutions and keep them. I will share the Top Twelve with you because Top Ten is such a cliche. And invite you to share some of yours.
One. I resolve to offer a couple of politicians — Jeff Flake and Susan Collins are already taken — $2.00 apiece to get them to vote against something I haven’t read but have been told I must hate. I don’t know what the dollar threshold is when an offer officially become a bribe. Needless to say, I cannot match Rosie’s $2,000,000 apiece offer and I wonder how awful someone’s life could possibly be who has $4,000,000 to fritter away? Poor Rosie O’Donnell seemed like a nice person until she turned out to be batshit crazy. I met her when I was on her VH-1 Standup Spotlight Show in 1991. She was kind to me and seemed like a sweet kid. Oh, well. It took ten more years for her to go off the rails and become a 9/11 “Truther.” Then Trump’s election put the final nail in the coffin of her mental health, as it has with so many others. Sad.
Two. I resolve to sit less. We keep being told that prolonged sitting is just as unhealthy for us as smoking. So, since there is no difference, I have decided to smoke instead of sitting. I will pace vigorously around outside office buildings with the other pariahs and we will have the last laugh over the non-smokers sitting for hours at their terminals, as their muscles and organs turn into a gelatinous, but self-righteous, blob.
Three. I resolve to clean all my guns. Since my rotator cuff injury, I have been shooting less than I used to. A lot less. Feeling that I’m not putting that many rounds through the weapons, I have not been as conscientious about cleaning my guns. It’s embarrassing. I will clean them just as soon as I locate the instruction manuals for each one, as I have also forgotten how to field strip all but two of them. Sigh. Is there anyone in the Phoenix area who would clean guns for really great Brisket? (Just asking for a friend…it would be too embarrassing for someone calling herself Ammo Grrrll to ask for help in cleaning guns.)
Four. I resolve to clean out and organize all my files. I’m pretty confident that I will locate the gun manuals in my files. After which I can clean the guns while standing at my custom-made gun-cleaning bench in the garage. So I will be fulfilling three of my Resolutions at once. Righteous! Maybe even while eating a carrot (see below).
Five. I resolve to eat more vegetables. So far, in gearing up for Veggie-Rama 2018, and thanks to my new Salad Shooter, a Hanukkah gift, I have consumed some Zuchini Bread and Carrot Cake. Good start!
Six. I resolve to drink more coffee. Article after article appears in print and on The Internet touting the benefits of drinking 4-6 cups of coffee a day. I typically consume 3 cups a day, but I believe I can easily double that and still sleep well over 2 hours a night.
Seven. I resolve to drink more alcohol. Again, we are getting tons of information about the huge benefits of “moderate” drinking, including, but not limited to, red wine. I plan to multitask, adding either Jameson or Bailey’s to my six cups of coffee. This should help with the insomnia. And make me both alert and relaxed while driving. Winning!
Eight. I resolve to learn how to turn on our television, what a “firestick” is, and what to do with the other six remotes besides the one that I’ve been shown several dozen times turns on the TV. Failing that, I will just continue to read, write, and play Brahms, Mozart, Country, and hip “new” pop music like The Eagles on my ancient CD player. I have to be the lowest-tech human left on the planet. There is very little on television that would make it worth learning how to use the remotes. Besides, Mr. AG is almost always home. And the Paranoid Texan next door is a TV Wizard. Literally. Haha. I just like to misuse the word “literally” in case I ever meet Joe Biden who is very devoted to that word.
Nine. I resolve to buy an item of “makeup” and learn how to use it to see if it really does “make up” for any beauty deficiencies. I think I will start with something easy like lipstick or mascara. Why is it nigh unto impossible to put on mascara with one’s mouth closed? Strange.
Ten. I resolve to gain 10 lbs. Since I have failed at every single weight-related resolution for the last 40 years, I am going to try to gain weight and see if I can be a failure at that.
Eleven. I resolve to eschew political discussion with anyone who hates President Trump. It is like trying to convince a mental patient who believes that he is Napoleon that he is not; it will not convince him and will only irritate him. Sometime you might need a good Napoleon to invade a country or come to a party, and you will be sorry you alienated him by kindly pointing out, say, 27 ways in which he is mistaken. Why is that kind of correction so infrequently appreciated by others when we all so love it ourselves?
Twelve. I resolve to be more patient and kind with my family and friends, to be more grateful for the countless blessings I enjoy. I consider this little blogging community to be an extended family, ready with words of encouragement, praise and friendly banter, though so far no one has offered a loan of a truly interesting amount. When you peruse other blogs’ comments, you realize that even our trolls are quite civil. God bless us every one.
Continued bottomless gratitude to the PL boys for giving me this platform, and to my insanely loyal readers who make MY Fridays worth all that health-depriving sitting at my terminal. I will never blame you if I die 10 years prematurely because of it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!! May it be one of peace, joy, good health and more winning. Suh-weet!!