Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll counsels us to considers OPTIONS IN LIFE. She writes:


Fortune Cookies
The weight listed on your Driver’s License.
Your car clock. Especially after Daylight Savings Time kicks in on Sunday.
A scaredy-cat liberal’s first time shooting at a gun range.
The initial estimated budget for your daughter’s wedding.
The wheat harvest projection in every Soviet 5-Year Plan.
The IPCC’s global warming predictions from 10 years ago.
The Psychic Hot-Line
A bathroom scale accidentally heaved down the basement stairs.
2016 Presidential Polls on November 8. Never. Gets. Old.


Mad Libs
A Kid with a Knock-Knock Joke Book on a Cross-Country Trip
Maxine Waters
Bazooka Joe comix in bubble gum
Marmaduke cartoons
Louis Farrakhan
Cher’s Tweets
A Nancy Pelosi press conference
Barack Hussein Obama unplugged from his Teleprompter
Mr. Potato Head


This being five long long days since the Oscars, most things worth saying about that unwatched little trifle have already been said. I also did not watch. Mostly because I have rarely seen more than one or two of the wretched movies. Also, I cannot keep straight any of the indistinguishable little self-important actors pontificating about one thing or another — #OscarsSoWhite; #ProducersSoPiggish; #ElderlyWomenSoNotHired. Whatever.

As a public service, however, for next year’s Oscars or any of the 37 other self-congratulatory awards shows in between, I am going to list 20 things you can do with that evening that will be more fulfilling, interesting, or fun. Some will be all three. Other suggestions welcome.

Trip to Ross (Dress for Less!) return line.

Pre-address your Christmas cards. Do not affix stamps. Some addressees could pass on by December.

Play “Concentration” with deck of playing cards and a 4-year old. Lose badly. Insist on grudge match at Jeopardy. Very mature!

Watch an old Castro speech. It will be shorter and less anti-American than most Oscar acceptance speeches and more humorous than Jimmy Kimmel.

Order a Gary Cooper, Kirk Douglas, Humphrey Bogart, James Garner or John Wayne movie and see what an actual man looked like in the Olden Days.

Find an old Oscar show from the Johnny Carson era and watch an elegant, funny host without a political agenda.

Knit a Woke Pussy Hat™ with little Angora testicles attached as earflaps to show you, like, totally understand that women are not the only ones who, like, have vaginas. As if.

Go to bed early and read in bed.
Go to bed early and do not read in bed. Something else could occur to you.
Count your ammo. Organize by caliber.
Count individual cartridges in boxes to make sure there really are 500.

Clean a closet. Organize clothes by size: Small with intention to fit into any day; Tight-Medium, not tried on in store; Comfortable, mainly muu-muus; and the Emergency Jeans of Shame in the back of the closet.

Drink. Especially if Jeans of Shame are getting snug.
Drunk-dial your Congressperson, promising huge contribution. Never have empty mailbox again.
Under no circumstances should you make drunk threats to an elected official unless you are a Democrat. Then, of course, when confronted with the clear and obvious crime, say that magic eraser phrase, “I was joking.” Works every time.

Read the Constitution. It’s actually shockingly short. See if you can locate the penumbra where those wacky Founding Fathers supported baby killing.

Try to dance all the way through “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.” Call chiropractor.
Try to jump rope indoors on Mexican tile. Schedule knee replacement surgery. Also order new lamp.
Call your mother if you are blessed to still have one.
Bake a pie from scratch. Contemplate where the hell the expression “easy as pie” came from.

Do yoga. When husband comes home from bar at 2 a.m., have him gently help you out of Full Lotus Position. Ask physician about BOGO rate on knee replacements.

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