Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll provides instructions along with her DIY HATE CRIME KIT:

It has come to my attention that my book sales — robust though they be — will simply not guarantee a comfortable retirement and I need to expand my product line.

What could be more timely or fill a better market niche in the current Hair Permanently On Fire Oppression Olympics than a Jussie Smollett Commemorative All-Purpose Do It Yourself Hate Crime Kit?

For the bargain-basement price of just $3500, you get:

Two sturdy Nigerians capable of delivering a carefully-calibrated beating
A rubber banana peel
One water-proof fake poop swastika with suction cup suitable for a dorm shower
Several lengths of rope, already fastened in nooses (for Scouts who were not in Scouting
back when you could earn a badge in knot-tying instead of Cooking with Tofu.)
A gallon of bleach which can also be used for laundry – WHITES ONLY (can I say that?)
A dozen MAGA caps
One terrifying mask of a Catholic teenage white boy smiling
Fake dog poop in a tube of soothing crème suitable for self-smearing
One set of Sharpies in several colors and list of various offensive words – hurry!
Unacceptable Words can change daily. Remember “macaca”!?
It actually influenced an election!
One traceable swastika stencil so you don’t make it backwards like so many bigots
with Carter era speed-limit IQs.
A handy Velcro tear-away detachable hijab for easy removal
And a frozen Whole Foods cake with “Fag” pre-written on it so YOU, the gay Hate Crime
Faker, don’t have to waste valuable time or frosting writing that on your own.

But wait, there’s more! Because how can you fake a Hate Crime if you aren’t even a member of a protected group that it’s forbidden to hate? So act before midnight also to get:

A lovely set of High Cheekbone Implants
The Ward Churchill Detachable Braid with Eagle Feather Made in China
The Rachel Dolezal black fright wig

Nobody cares if white men or Conservative White Women (icky poo), Conservative Black People (even worse!) or (Gag) CHRISTIANS or weather-wizardy JOOZ are hated. They are attacked daily in the media and sometimes in person, though that carries risks. Remember: whatever happens to them, they have it coming. Because Trump. A woman lawyer (a LAWYER!) cheered the horrendous Las Vegas mass murder because the victims were country western fans and “most of them like guns and are Republican.” Well, okay then.

And, FINALLY, as a SUPER SPECIAL BONUS, we will include a pair of Jimmy Choo Size 14EEE high heels in ecru – they go with everything! This last item is not to stage a Hate Crime per se. No, it is to PREVENT one.

We purveyors of the Hate Crime Kit feel that if an enormous, unhinged, ugly, obviously male customer in an auto parts store is wearing high heels, it could lower the risk that he will be “gender misidentified” and called “Sir,” thus causing a meltdown and kick-a-thon that would make a two-year-old jealous. In truth, he was neither a “Sir” nor a “Ma’am,” which implies some sort of manners and self-respect, but a dangerous deranged thug.

Just a small point on this subject: as an enthusiastically-heterosexual female with a somewhat-deeper voice than many females, I have FREQUENTLY been called “Sir” on the telephone. Especially when I have had a chest cold. Even when I am making airline or hotel reservations for a person named “Susan”. Which always makes me laugh, rather than kick over displays. Because I am not insane.

I have always figured that the poor front-line person is forced to choose between “Sir” and “Ma’am” and would prefer mistakenly to call a woman “Sir” than to call a man “Ma’am.” I have recovered from each separate unforgivable outrage within several seconds, correcting the person as gently as possible to avoid his embarrassment. If it weren’t necessary to make an accurate reservation, I wouldn’t even bother to correct him.

So thank you for ordering my DIY Hate Crime Kit! Good luck with planning your own Hate Crime. Poor Jussie thought he had the “perfect” Hate Crime, which had even been rehearsed! Plus he had hundreds of willing media stooges and Tweeting celebrity accomplices – Cher, Cory, Kamala, Maxine, Jim Carrey – to the extent that a not-very-paranoid person could ALMOST think it was COORDINATED to coincide with the stupid “anti-lynching” legislation. Because, as you know, murder is, like, totally NOT currently illegal. Yeah, I know – crazy, right?

And despite every advantage, look what happened to Jussie. (Well, nothing so far…but you never know.) His story stunk to high heavens from day one. But he and his platoon of lawyers are stickin’ to that story like Titanic survivors to a piece of driftwood. Maybe he’s going for an Insanity Plea. So how can YOU improve?

Remember to go where there are no cameras, no busybodies videotaping everything on their cellphones, no eyewitnesses. Try not to stage it in a part of town that elderly Tea Party/MAGA people would never be visiting in broad daylight, let alone at night. Do NOT pretend they said “This is MAGA country” in either Portland, Berkeley, the South Side of Chicago, or the Upper West Side of New York. Now it’s true that “Can you please direct me to the Holland Tunnel?” does not sound as threatening as “This is MAGA Country,” but trust me, no Trump supporter ever said that to a random gay black person. Or any black person. Or anyone else. Ever.

Arrange to have yourself more severely injured than a little teeny cut below the eye on your pretty face. In fact, I recommend you sustain a small-caliber gunshot wound where it will not hit a vital organ, such as to the head. That lends some verisimilitude to the hate crime charge, believe me. There will be flowers and candles on the spot of the assault and Elton John will write a song for you. Go big or go home.