Air travel has its frustrations–weather delays, turbulence, de-icing, last-minute maintenance issues, people who sit in front of you and tilt their seats way back. And CNN. Traveling by air means having CNN’s inane broadcasts inflicted on you while you wait at your gate. Sure, workarounds are possible: You can wear earplugs. You can find a CNN-free zone 50 yards away and dash to your gate when your plane starts to board. You can throw a brick through the television set.
But now, America’s Paper of Record, the Babylon Bee, reports on a better solution: “Airport Revenues Soar After Allowing Travelers To Pay To Turn Off CNN.”
Airports around the world are reporting record revenues after introducing a long-awaited feature: the ability to turn off CNN on television sets in their terminals.
For just one quarter, you can turn off CNN for a full fifteen minutes while you’re waiting for your flight, leaving you with the “far superior” experience of just staring at a blank screen.
The feature has been one of the most-requested by travelers along with the dismantling of the TSA and pretzel bags with more than 3 pretzels in them.
The money-making move has inspired moments of human compassion and unity as travelers lend each other money or leave quarters behind atop the television sets for future travelers to turn off CNN. One anonymous philanthropist at DFW prepaid for over a year of CNN-less travel throughout the terminal.
“It’s great to see what humanity can accomplish when we unite,” said one man at LAX as he rummaged through his pockets to lend a quarter to a woman who wanted to turn off the CNN screen near her. “Here you go, miss. Enjoy your flight!”
I have long thought that Nielsen should introduce a new metric: voluntary audience. If they subtracted the people who have CNN inflicted on them against their will at airports, in office lobbies, in hospital waiting rooms and in gyms, how many viewers would be left? It would be interesting to find out.