Ammo Grrrll has discovered FOUR PEOPLE MORE QUALIFIED FOR THEIR LUCRATIVE NEW JOBS THAN HUNTER BIDEN – altogether a PARODY divided into 4 parts. She writes:
Sean Spicer, fresh from what many called an “astonishing” run on Dancing with the Stars, has been tapped to choreograph and be principal dancer for the New York City Ballet Company!
“For $80,000 a month, I think I can bring a fresh perspective to the world of dance, call it an ‘Everyman’ kind of Dad Bod look in tights, not seen since the manly dance moves of, say, Rudolph Nureyev, whom I somewhat resemble, except for the gorgeous face and muscular but graceful dancing part. I plan a lot of dances in which I just sort of stand there with my arms akimbo while other vastly more talented dancers do all the heavy lifting.”
“Ballet audiences are accustomed to seeing tiny anorexic women prancing about,” Mr. Spicer added. “I hope to hire no women under 250 lbs. Audiences are going to have ‘Other-ness’ up the wazoo. It’s not so much pushing the envelope as winching it. We are putting in a reinforced concrete stage. Lots of rebar.”
Ballet Company spokesperson Wokie McWokester said, “Sean will bring a welcome diversity to the world of dance. Everyone agrees that Diversity is our strength. It is a known fact that somewhere in the vicinity of 97 percent of straight white men can’t dance. This will celebrate and validate the much-ballyhooed Other. In this case, the Other being big, clumsy straight white men who cannot dance. We are incredibly proud. We don’t care if season ticket sales plunge. We stand with the Lady Ghostbusters in putting Diversity before profits. Or even Quality.”
GQ (formerly Gentleman’s Quarterly) has announced that Jerry Nadler has been named Style Editor with a salary and benefits package of $80,000 a month. GQ Editor-in-Chief Will Welch said: “The new look for 2020 will be that belted-under-the-armpits look made so popular by Mr. Nadler, or as we call him Natty ‘Nads. What a trendsetter! Although this will probably represent a cut in pay for any politician, he has agreed to step in to save the magazine from what some feared was a turn away from its legendary macho look, especially with the spring magazine showing a lot of man purses and little matching gloves. The Nadler New Direction – the baggy suit, the shirt damp with House Judicial Committee Hearing flopsweat, the food-stained tie, and especially the belt – well, he’s just got it all.”
Jussie Smollett has been offered $80,000 a month for his scriptwriting expertise on a new whodunnit television series tentatively called “So You Want To Be A Hate Crime Victim?”
In the first storyboarding conference with the other writers Mr. Smollett emerged whimpering and visibly shaken from the raucous laughter behind the door when he insisted that a gay black man would TOTALLY go out for a Subway sandwich at 2 a.m. in Chicago in January. “Whoa, dude,” said one writer, “Crack, maybe, I think we could sell that; cigarettes for sure, but a SANDWICH? What else ya got?”
“Ok, two white dudes carrying rope and bleach in an uptown neighborhood in Chicago, see this gay black guy and throw a noose around his neck and…”
“DUDE! How they know he gay?”
“The guy is FAMOUS! They watch the show he’s on…”
“Two racist, homophobic old white dudes watch his show?”
“So, if they’re fans, why would they want to hurt him? Maybe they just want his autograph?”
“But, where’s the victimization in THAT? NO, they definitely put a noose around his neck.”
“And, the guy doesn’t fight back? Doesn’t even drop his sandwich OR his cellphone? What are you saying, man? That gay black men are pansies? My gay black SISTER could open a major can of whoop-ass on two white guys who tried to put a noose around her neck.”
“Don’t forget the bleach! The racist MAGA guys throw bleach, too! It’s very hurtful!”
“Nobody gonna believe that, dude. Nobody but Cory, Kamala, and Robin Roberts. Your own Mama will not believe two guys are just roaming around in below zero weather on spec with bleach and a rope and nobody notices. Hell, the bleach would probably freeze. How ‘bout we work on a plot where five or six masked white Antifa guys with bike locks work over an elderly black man in a MAGA hat?”
“But, but, but…How is THAT a Hate Crime?”
With the Resistance getting ever more vicious and aggressive, the urgent need for a Body Double for our beautiful First Lady, Melania Trump, has become obvious. Some expressed surprise when Friday Power Line guest columnist Susan “Ammo Grrrll” Vass won the coveted but dangerous job. Despite being a foot shorter and 24 years older than the First Lady as well as being utterly incapable of walking in high heels, judges proclaimed her a dead ringer for Melania after she beat the younger, taller ladies in the critical return-fire portion of the interview.
“The $80,000 a month will come in handy,” said Mrs. Vass, “but it’s the opportunity to ‘take one for the team’ that really excited me.” Interviewed on the Fox And Friends morning show, the hosts touched on a possible flaw in the plan. “No offense, Mrs. Vass,” Pete Hegseth asked, “but isn’t the First Lady kind of statuesque, where as YOU are…uh, not?”
“Well, it all depends on what ‘statue’ you refer to. I am several inches taller than the average garden gnome, for example.”
Mrs. Vass plans to make an appearance as Body Double on The View where they have requested a display of her shooting skills.
“I plan to shoot a fruit off the head of Joy Behar; nothing so large as an apple, probably a grape. I’ll be using my Sig Sauer .45 or, as The View brainiacs described it in the promo piece for the show, my ‘fully-automatic assault weapon that I got through the gun show loophole.’ Gosh, I hope I don’t get too nervous being on television or too wobbly trying to wear Melania-style spike heels.”