Ammo Grrrll been inspired to undertake THE NO POPPYCOCK TOUR. We fear she may soon find herself in demand as a speechwriter for a prominent Democratic presidential candidate. She writes:
Though the behavior of the denizens of the Democrat Klown Kar and the entire wretched Party pretty much defies parody, periodically I like to give it my best shot. You couldn’t possibly make up that A.C. Green said we must impeach President Trump either because he is going to win or because of slavery, take your pick. Soooo…
Inspired by the No Malarkey Tour, I have decided to throw my hat into the ring in Iowa in the Democrat Primary with the No Poppycock Tour. Heck – I enjoy traveling, shaking hands, kissing babies, biting fingers and smelling hair as much as the next person, as long as the next person is Joe “Nothing Weird To See Here” Biden. (Memo to self: Do NOT bite the babies and smell people’s fingers ever again. Bad optics all round! For sure, never SHAKE the babies or bite ladies’ hair. So much to learn and do right! How DOES Joe do it? Harder than it looks!)
Q & A from my first meet-the-candidate open forum in Des Moines:
Q: Pudgy audience member: Two questions: Is it true that you used your massive influence as a regular weekly customer to ask the owner of a fancy jazz club in St. Paul to employ your son as a busboy? And do you think you are too old for such a vigorous campaign?
A: Hey, Fat, if anything, my son was OVERQUALIFIED for that busboy job. He had just earned a college degree in English! He spoke English very goodly and also a little French, in case somebody from Montreal needed to find the bathroom. Or the library. He could carry dirty dishes with the best of them, by cracky. I suggested $80,000 a month, and the club owner countered with “minimum wage plus tips” and he prevailed. Doh! There was no quid pro quo, none! My husband and I enjoyed going there to drink and watch our son work.
Boy, the idea that I am too old just frosts my cupcake! How old are you, Tubby? Wanna have a race to the cookies over there, huh? You’re a daisy if you do! Wanna do some yoga? Let’s see you do the Salute to the Sun or Downward Facing Dog. Were YOU #1 in your high school class? I am not too old, bub, and I plan to speak to that guy Allen, Adam, Aaron, some A-word Schiff who is gonna find your phone records – or somebody’s phone records – and put them in a report. How do you like them apples?
So, who’s your huckleberry now, Chubby? Where’d you get your talking points – from Putin? I bet you know Tulsi Gabbard who some bitter alcoholic loser sussed out is a Russian asset. She’s cute, though, and her hair smells like coconut…What was the question again?
Q: Woman in a crewcut: Miz Vass, do you have an opinion on gay marriage?
A: I do. Next question?
Q: Same woman wrestling the mic back from the moderator: Uh…might we know what that position is?
A: Listen, Fatso, I agree with President Barack Hussein Obama that marriage is a thing between one man and one woman, unless you are a Democrat from Katie Hill’s district in California and then it’s either three or one and a dog. I am not a racist, so I could not possibly disagree with anything Obama says. I have a souvenir plaque I got in Texas that says “Marriage is an endless sleepover with your favorite weirdo.” And then I saw one in a little diner in Iowa that said, “Marriage: you start out with two hearts and a diamond and end up wanting a club and a spade.” What do you think about that, because my husband, the famous novelist Max Cossack, did not think it was as humorous as I did?
Q: Same woman: First of all, I am a personal trainer and I weigh 115 lbs., so I do not understand why you have called me Fatso, especially when you could stand to drop twenty pounds yourself. But you never answered the question.
A: Did too, Thunder Thighs. The Russian “women” always did very well in the Olympics, especially the ones wearing athletic cups. I’m beginning to think with all these Putin talking points that you might be a Russian asset, comrade, or even a Russian. Next question!
Q: Soldier in camo fatigues: I also have a two part question. First, what are you going to do for our vets? And second, how many more years should we stay in Afghanistan?
A: Listen, son, I take a back seat to no one on support for the awesome men and women who neuter our pets. When we lost our cat, Tiger…[breaks down in tears and then recovers]…our vet actually sent us a special sympathy card and it meant the world to us.
Q: Ma’am. Sorry about your cat, but I am not a veterinarian. I am in the U.S. Army.
A: Oh, haha. That’s one on me. I thought you were going hunting later. I know what it’s like to be in combat. I have been a standup at the Mickey Finn’s comedy club in the basement of the Union Hall. What’s the difference between being heckled and having an RPG fired at you? None. Words are exactly as hurtful. Ask any misgendered lunatic. True, there aren’t Veterans Hospitals filled with people who had “You suck” or “Ma’am” hurled at them, but it still leaves scars, believe you me!
Q: Ma’am, if I might repeat the question, how long on Afghanistan?
A: Oh, yeah. I wish Afghanistan was spelled Efghinistan, because then there would be 5 letters – efghi – in a row from the alphabet in the same word, instead of just three (fgh) — how cool would THAT be?
I think if a baby is born and graduates from high school and we’re still in the same war, that war is a little long. But, it’s important to keep up with the Europeans. Now THERE’S some folks who can prolong a war. The Thirty Years’ War? Fuggidaboudit. The Hundred Years’ War? So, if we want to be more like Europe, we’ve got a ways to go. Also on wait times to see a doctor. We lag way behind on that. Sometimes people can even be seen the same day here. I personally know a woman who went in with a painful hip and had that hip replaced the next day! Don’t like going to the doctor? Vote for me and my fellow Democrats, and you may never see one again! And that’s no poppycock. Say, is that doughnuts over there? With sprinkles?