To paraphrase Will Rogers, it’s no trouble being a humorist when you have the whole Democratic Party working for you. It’s their very best free stuff.
Check out this story reported today by NBC News:
DES MOINES, Iowa — Former Secretary of State John Kerry — one of Joe Biden’s highest-profile endorsers — was overheard Sunday on the phone at a Des Moines hotel explaining what he would have to do to enter the presidential race amid “the possibility of Bernie Sanders taking down the Democratic Party — down whole.”
Sitting in the lobby restaurant of the Renaissance Savery hotel, Kerry was overheard by an NBC News analyst saying “maybe I’m f—ing deluding myself here” and explaining that in order to run, he’d have to step down from the board of Bank of America and give up his ability to make paid speeches.
First of all, John Kerry is giving paid speeches?!?! I’m curious what the rate structure is: $25,000 for a 30 minute speech, but $50,000 for a 15 minute speech, and $100,000 for an appearance that only involves a wave to the crowd? Who could possibly be booking him for a paid speech—the Amalgamated Flower-Power-Zipper Pull Manufacturers Association? And why does a guy who married a billionaire heiress need to give paid speeches anyway?
Second, how bad off does your party have to be to think that John Kerry is the answer? This would stump even the most brilliant and seasoned Jeopardy panel. “The answer is: John Kerry.” Buzz. “Who is the most implausible Democratic 2020 nominee, Alex?”
But this is the very best part of the NBC report, but fair warning—do not have a mouthful of coffee before you read this:
Kerry, who has campaigned with Biden in Iowa and New Hampshire, may be nervous about the former vice president’s chances ahead of Monday’s first-in-the-nation primary caucuses. At a North Liberty, Iowa, campaign event on Saturday, Kerry spoke both after and for longer than Biden did.
Good thing the Secret Service screens out sharp objects at Biden’s appearances, or the suicide rate would skyrocket.