Thoughts from the ammo line

Events this week have somehow prompted Ammo Grrrll to provide A HISTORY LESSON ABOUT CADAVERS. She writes:

I am completing this column on Tuesday night, to be sent off early Wednesday morning for editing. So if there has been a major development with the massive military presence in Washington, or if The Big Guy calls the oath-giver a Dog-Faced Pony Soldier, bites Dr. Jill’s finger again, or sniffs a random tot, this column will not cover that.

MY beloved and excellent President is gone, but still firmly in residence in the heads of the totalitarians who hated him with the white hot heat of a thousand suns for his getting between their power and us nobodies. Their unhinged behavior with this insane late impeachment (or we should probably say the LATEST impeachment) gives a whole new meaning to “Trumped up charges.” It reminds me of something called The Cadaver Synod. Max Cossack, who watches multi-part historical lectures for fun, brought it to my attention.

It is not my intention to pick on the Catholics. As the time-honored cliché to prove you aren’t a bigot goes, “some of my best friends are Catholics.” They really are. In fact, except for a handful of Jewish commenters, and a couple Jewish friends from college, all my closest friends are Christians, in part because very few American Jewish women are pro-life conservatives who enjoy guns. I have recently connected with one beautiful Jewish artist who is not just a gun aficionado but also a national champion trapshooter! Should be fun.

So Catholics, no offense intended, but Holy Cow. Papal History does not shed a lot of glory on your faith. A great deal of what I am about to tell you comes from an April 24, 2020 article by one Carrie Whitney, Ph.D. on a site called “How Stuff Works.” I will be paraphrasing her excellent research, but rest assured, quoted directly or paraphrased, I have relied heavily on her work and the “Great Trials of World History” television lecture series by Professor Douglas O. Linder. The story is almost unbelievable and terribly complicated. I have tried to synthesize and condense it or it would run to several column feet. Any errors are my own.

Dr. Whitney writes: “The Cadaver Synod took place during a time when political machinations ruled the papacy, long before 11th-century reforms regulated papal elections. Popes during the Middle Ages could dispense favors. So, it was a prize for a family to be aligned with the Pope, and there were lots of rivalries. Like many stories, this one begins with the end of a great ruler.”

Charlemagne was crowned emperor over the Roman Empire in 800 C.E. He was a very capable ruler whose reign produced political stability. But there is nothing new under the sun. And, like the spoiled and greedy spawn of so many of America’s corporate giants, his son was far less capable. His grandsons, including one named Charles the Bald, were obviously yet more hopeless, if being bald were the most salient fact about Chuck.

The soon to be a famous cadaver Formosus was an ambitious Bishop whose growing influence eventually led to his excommunication by John VIII in 876 C.E. Charges against Formosus included an attempt to become bishop of Bulgaria, being a traitor to Charles the Bald, and coveting the papacy. Sure, those things were bad and were undoubtedly trumpeted far and wide by the medieval equivalent of CNN. But evidently even Formosus never phoned anybody in the Ukraine to ask about obvious influence peddling or said to a gathered throng, “Let’s go peacefully raise our voices.” High crimes like that clearly cannot go unpunished.

Luckily for Formosus, John VIII’s pontificate ended when he was assassinated in 882 and Pope Marinus I reinstated Formosus, who returned to his bishopric in Porto. Marinus I lasted two years, his successor St. Adrian III just one, and Stephen V about six years. One really does need a scorecard to keep track of it, but, unlike Hillary, who will NEVER be President, the scrappy Formosus was finally made Pope in 891. Livin’ the dream. Stay with me here.

Pope Formosus, who seemed to have the same knack for aligning with the wrong political faction that I have for picking the wrong cashier’s line at Bashas, got involved in a number of fractious disputes. The Lord called him home in 896 via a stroke. The End, eh? Not so fast. The world was not done with him any more than the Left is done with President Trump. Pope Stephen was determined to revisit the crimes of his predecessor Formosus. It wasn’t enough simply to accuse him or smear his name. Sound familiar? President Trump will be hounded, slandered, and sued in perpetuity. Without hatred of Trump to unite the Left, each loot-grubbing mini-tribe will fight all the others for the most lucrative seat at the public trough.

But every obscenity they think up to torture Trump will pale next to what happened to Pope Formosus. He was DUG UP, disinterred, and PUT ON TRIAL. Yes. The cadaver was dressed in his papal vestments and put on the witness stand. Can you imagine the stench? Worse than Eric Swalwell in an unguarded moment on television. Worse than Jerrold Nadler when, well, forget about it. AN ACTUAL DEAD BODY IN THE COURTROOM.

Billionaire social media tyrant Jack Dorsey is taking no chances that little “David” Parler could emerge as a voice for Deplorables against his Twitter “Goliath.” Parler had to be destroyed. And, likewise, Pope Stephen could take no chances that the dead Formosus could somehow win at trial. He appointed a teenage deacon to be the dead Pope’s defender.

As Stephen screamed at Formosus, the poor young deacon tried like heck to convince the Pope to tell his side of the story. Often in modern jurisprudence, the defendant will claim the notorious “Some Dude” Defense, as in, “some dude did it.” But, alas, Dead Pope Formosus did not even have the wherewithal to try that. He came up with no good answers at all and – surprise! – was FOUND GUILTY! Maybe Stacy Abrams’ genealogy shows another relative who was a judge. Sentence was pronounced and the Dead Pope had the three fingers with which he blessed people cut off. Then he was thrown into the Tiber River.

Oh, do you think the story ends there? HaHa! Like bass solos in jazz, the bell choir in church, dance recitals of small girls, or the Deep State hatred for President Trump and his voters, some things never end. Pope Formosus was dragged from the river and buried properly and then – like a second, third, fourth, whatever, impeachment of President Trump by rabid Democrat weasels – dug up and thrown into the Tiber AGAIN.

I conclude with two thoughts. First, even DEAD, President Trump would run circles around the cretins and Obama-era retreads now in charge of our beloved country. And two, the people of Rome were disgusted by the trial and a few months later there was a riot. Stephen VI was imprisoned and strangled to death. Oopsie.