Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll recognizes those STRIVING TO BE LESS WHITE – A WORK IN PROGRESS. She writes:

In the late ’70’s, and early ’80’s, various Covetous Racist Tools invented Critical Race Theory. MY theory has always been that they just found some old Klan document lying around in the basement of Grand Imperial Kleagle Robert Byrd (D-Bestie of Biden) and simply changed all the words “black” to “white.” There is nothing original in teaching one race to hate another. I have hated racism in any form since I was first aware of it as a young child. And still do. Anyway, this hateful anti-white garbage has now seeped out of its leaky plastic trash bag all over the floor of academia, all the way down to kindergarten, and into corporate America. The garbage smells just as bad no matter which race is being vilified.

It’s one thing for rich liberal women to VOLUNTEER to pay $2500 apiece to spend an evening being excoriated for being racists, while they are not permitted to talk back or express any opinions whatsoever. Hard pass. I guess it’s the female version of going to a dominatrix, which fun also escapes me. (I can’t imagine who the dominatrix customer base is because I would think most liberal weenies get enough abuse at home. Oh, well. Not my problem.)

Anyway, Corporate Coca-Cola has instituted mandatory Hate classes, the ultimate object of which is to teach White people — who are a majority, after all — to lend a hand with the psychological beatdown by learning to hate THEMSELVES. And more importantly, to cease and desist doing those things that make people unfairly successful, regardless of race. Melania Trump’s slogan for children was “Be Best.” Coke’s is “Be Less White.”

Maybe if I were an albino, I could somehow be MORE White in skin tone than I am, but I doubt it. My gene pool is filled with the Whitest of White people – Irish, Dutch, German, Danish – although I am a rarity in my extended family with blue eyes. I could put my hair in cornrows and never come close to “passing.” Nothing would help, not even draping myself in those orange and green African cloths that our Democrat Congress-cretins wore for that cringe-worthy kneeling photo shoot where Nancy Pelosi couldn’t get up afterwards. That was awesome. I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t get out of my chair either, but I digress.

My personal habits are even more White than my skin tone, according to all that I read. Most of my life I have feared that I may be just a touch Obsessive-Compulsive, but it turned out I was just excessively White! Since the 7th grade, every single night of my life I have made a To Do List for the next day’s tasks. I check off every item as I accomplish it. If I happen to do something NOT on the list, I PUT it on the list. And then I check it off.

In my “family of origin,” as they say in therapy, if you aren’t 10 minutes early for a function, you are late. As if being cursed with the self-starting habits of Whiteness were not enough, I am also a first-born and feel responsible for taking care of everything and everyone, which is sometimes confused with just being bossy or controlling. Famous novelist Max Cossack, even though he is very smart, has often mistaken righteous concern for bossiness, or even, God forbid, NAGGING.

If only I had been raised in the current era where teachers did not express inordinate and racist concern over finding the “right” (rhymes with “White” – get it?!) answer, I would not have wasted all that time on studying. Especially if I didn’t have to “show my work.”

“And how did you arrive at this answer, Susan? Which I’m sorry to say is actually correct.”

“It is racist even to ask me to show my work, as you well know. But if you must know, I looked at Billy Anderson’s paper and copied his answer. Thank God my last name started with ‘B’ so that he was sitting right ahead of me and very poorly guarding his work.”

I could have just hung out at the Mall – if only my town had had one. Later, I could have got into both college and Medical School what with SATs and ACTs being verboten because some colors of people do better than others on tests. And I could have spent all my time perfecting my own Less Whiteness. I could be practically beige by now, if not taupe. One of the ways we can overcome Whiteness, I read in the Coca-Cola workshop on Being Less White, is to be “Less Certain.” That will definitely come in handy when I am a doctor:

“Uh, Mrs. Jefferson, I have some good and bad news for you. The bad news – and boy, this one is really on me – is that your daughter, Ta’niqua’s troublesome tonsils are still in there, but here in this jar I have her perfectly healthy appendix. The good news is that I was really not certain which organ was problematic, because I didn’t read her chart. I was busy celebrating my lack of White Certainty. Ever since I heard about the Coca-Cola Mandatory Workshop, I have really been working on being Less Certain and I WOULD say that I have almost perfected being Less Certain, but, of course, that would make me Whitely Arrogant. So much to work on; so little time! When would you like to reschedule Ta’niqua’s tonsillectomy?”

We could go on and on, of course, about the paramount importance of the Right Answer, of Certainty in so many endeavors from building bridges, to medical diagnoses; from moon shots to flu shots. From crop rotation to truckers going in the right direction to deliver their seafood before it goes bad! Anybody who has ever “learned to code” can tell you a thing or two about certainty and its opposite – “Garbage in; garbage out.” Saints preserve us!

I’ll tell you what IS a Certainty, though. I will never personally drink another Coke. And I am sending this to Coke Crackpot Central. I have read that one of the most closely guarded corporate secrets is the formula for Coke. Why have a precise recipe with the dreaded Racist Right Answer when you can just wing it to be Less White? Call it, I don’t know, NEW Coke?

The Coke Workshop asserts with no citations that “by age 3 or 4 children understand that it is better to be white.” What kind of questions were asked these tots? Who did the interviewing? How large was the sample? It sounds bogus to me and I will give three anecdotal examples of why I think that. In 1973, I was watching a rainbow of diverse grade-school kids in Dolores Park in San Francisco play. A squabble ensued; one little girl yelled at another, “You are nothing but a stupid white bitch.” The girl took the “stupid” AND the “bitch” in stride, but “white” was an insult too far. “I ain’t white, I am ‘mixed’,” she announced with great indignation.

In 1978, when our little boy came home from his first day of Kindergarten Class in St. Paul, I met his bus and we walked home. He said he had made several friends. I later casually asked him how many of the children were black. He said, “none.” I said, “Oh, that’s too bad.” When we got the class picture, four of the 20 children were black. I asked him about it and he said, “Mama, those kids aren’t black, see? They are brown. Two are my friends.”
Two years later when we had moved to our home in the suburbs, he came home very excited about his “nice and pretty teacher, Mrs. Bell.” At the first PTA conference, we met her. She was, indeed, nice and pretty. She was also African-American. He had not thought that even important enough to mention. Does that sound to you like a nation of apprentice white supremacist children? And that was over 43 years ago. I call BS.

The last suggestion in the Coke workshop was: “Break with race solidarity.” No problem. The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. did that in 1963 when he encouraged all Americans to look at the content of one’s character instead of skin color. I’ll stand with him any day. BLM should do the same. No chance. They have hundreds of millions of dollars. The race hate racket turns out to be a very lucrative hustle.

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