Ammo Grrrll remembers: THAT WAS THE YEAR THAT WAS – March 2020 to April 2021. She writes:
When you have lived for 75 years upon this planet, you think you have not only SEEN everything, but have had enough experience to ANTICIPATE what might come next. But I have to just straight-up confess that I did not, no how, no way, anticipate the fact that a good 20-30 percent of my fellow Americans would go bat guano crazy.
The Crazy walk among us and, in fact, believe they have the right to be IN CHARGE of us! But because most of the rest of us Normals do not like to appear to be any of the things The Crazy attribute to us – Nazi, racist, intolerant, gun-and God-clingy Teabaggers, etc – for the most part, we have just let it go. We don’t enjoy being unkind to the obviously-impaired.
But then there comes a “Wait A Doggone Minute” moment like we saw recently in Olde Virginnie when we realize that The Crazy will not just go off to their Coastal asylums and inflict their wackiness only upon each other. They insist that WE go along with it. Or else.
At first the “or else” was just “we will talk trash about you and call you names like Deplorable. We will carry your President’s bloody beheaded head around as a joke. We will shout obscenities at the Oscars and call the President’s daughter a c-word that was heretofore entirely verboten. Maybe we also won’t let you play in our reindeer games on Twitter or Facebook. Whaddya think o’ them apples?”
And, okay, that wasn’t pleasant. But, for the most part, we could live with it. Though there were generally no consequences for The Crazies spewing filth at us, one scrawny pretend comedienne lost her job flacking for a potty stool and trading unfunny “quips” with a gay albino on New Year’s Eve. Oh, well. She already had $20 million dollars. If she minded her pennies, clipped a few coupons, she should have been able to live on just the INTEREST on that for the rest of her nasty, miserable life.
But that wasn’t enough. It never is. Experience from Robespierre and the French Revolution, to the Bolsheviks and Stalin, to the tens of millions slaughtered in the Chinese Cultural Revolution, to Chavez and Venezuela, SHOULD HAVE taught us that. But, y’know, those Revolutions were just not done right. Our Crazies have finally found the right recipe.
So, here we are: The “or else” is gettin’ serious.
Just one small example: You may think that Dr. Rachel Levine is NOT the first Four-Star Woman Admiral – because in addition to being a guy, he never served in the Navy – but you would do well to keep those thoughts to yourself. Right now, you cannot Tweet that on Twitter. And soon you may not even be allowed in public or able to grocery shop if you haven’t had your weekly COVID booster shot.
Crazy as a bedbug is now the preferred mental state and can get you many rewards. An ad for CIA recruitment used a Latinx woman who listed her craziness as an actual selling point. Therefore, I am offering a little quiz to determine if YOU might be Crazy enough to get in on the Loot-Fest, too. There are many kinds of Crazy and I fall just short in several areas. Let’s begin with Hypochondria, where normally, I would shine:
You might be a Hypochondriac, if you:
1. Are a woman worried about getting Prostate Cancer.
2. Hear an ad about Canine Osteo-Arthritis and worry about getting Arthritis — in your teeth.
3. Have been up all night worrying and the next day you feel “fatigue” and go to WebMD to list all the diseases that present as “fatigue”. (Most of them, it turns out).
You might have Low Self-Esteem if:
1. When complimented on a new outfit, you deflect it by saying “I got it on sale.”
2. You take a third job so your 42-year old unemployed live-in boyfriend can finally complete his Gender Studies Master’s Degree, even though you can’t say “master’s” any more because it clearly references Simon Legree.
3. You vote for a Bar-failing Kackling Kourtesan with a room temperature (not Arizona’s) IQ, because you are afraid of being called a racist.
You might have Generalized Anxiety Disorder if you:
1. Start calling Emergency Rooms when your husband is five minutes late coming home from work.
2. Wear four masks to the grocery store and pass out in the checkout line.
3. Check all your locks four times before bed and sleep with a loaded shotgun. That way, as recommended by Sir Poopsalot, you can fire it off the back deck or through your front door if you hear any unfamiliar noise.
How did you do? I did not score high enough to be a CNN blatherer, a government functionary – or even a Gain of Function functionary or Professional Pet Torturer – so I guess I will just have to continue writing and compiling columns.
Speaking of which, the latest Ammo Grrrll book is now out and ready for purchase just in time for the holidays!!
Yes, Ammo Grrrll Gets Shot – Year 7 in the series – is out and ready to ship, autographed, as soon as you say the word. It reprises the last 3 columns from Book 6 because that is the period you may remember that we all needed to obey every diktat to “flatten the curve of COVID19 spread.” Haha, that was a knee-slapper, wasn’t it?
Ammo Grrrll Gets A Shot: A Humorist’s Friday Columns (Volume 7) (Ammo Grrrll Never Misses)
The paperback is on sale by the author here.
For the famous 20% discount, enter PLDISCOUNT (one word, all CAPS) at checkout.
Or, in Kindle and paperback form, on Amazon, here.
Relive with me now the toilet paper crisis, the “one mask or two?” quandary, grocery shopping with rubber gloves, shelves empty of hand sanitizer, and oh, yeah, the revolting mail-in, ballot-harvested election where butcher paper covered the windows of polling places while Republican poll-watchers were kicked out. When they said, “Nothing to see here,” they weren’t kidding.
Also, as a super duper, extra special bonus news item, Max Cossack has turned his first novel, Khaybar, Minnesota, into a fabulous audiobook for sale at Amazon, Audible.com, and iTunes. Our own Desert Flower commenter recommended a friend who narrates audiobooks and he did an outstanding job. Perfect for drive time!
Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving next Thursday. We will skip the traditional Turkey and Dressing, opting instead to get with the program of “lowering our expectations” with a festive meal of Oatmeal With All the Trimmings.