Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll finds SURPRISES AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE. She writes:

I believe in regular medical check-ups, if by “regular” you mean at decently spaced intervals such as ten years. Who wants to bother the Medical Community or even make them aware of your existence lest they either find something wrong with you or insist you get another COVID booster, conveniently mixed with this year’s flu variant shot? Better to keep your distance.

Usually, I am pronounced fit as a fiddle – albeit a chubby fiddle that is old, out of tune, and left out in the sun too long. They have to ask women about whether they feel “safe at home” and lately they have added a question about whether there are firearms in the house. And we all have a hearty laugh when I say, “Yes, there are firearms in the house. That’s WHY I feel safe!”

My natural instinct is to say “that’s none of your business,” but you might as well say “Yes” because if you say “nobody’s business” they will definitely write down “Yes!” Non-gun owners are proud of their righteous vulnerability and will happily bellow out “No!” to the question. Sometimes they go so far as to ADVERTISE with lawn signage that they are without guns. I don’t know why they even bother to lock their doors. They should just put all their valuables out on the lawn every night.

In several previous visits, the medical personnel have found something they hope scares me a little. Words like “pre-diabetic” and “mild hypertension.” It would mean more to me if they didn’t move the damn goalposts all the time. Seriously. Many decades ago my fasting blood sugar was 103 and I got a Happy Face sticker on the lab report. Now they tell me with a concerned look that it is “pre-diabetic.” “Well, doc, isn’t EVERY score that is not 140 technically “pre-“diabetic”? “Nope. Not when we have a drug for that. The Metformin people have urged us to lower that number from 140 to 110. Shut up and take this drug. The CEO of Metformin needs another yacht.” No thank you.

I expect to be “mildly” hypertensive and “pre”-diabetic right up to the moment I leave this mortal coil. If I’m very lucky, I could attain the average age of my parents’ passing, which would be 95.5, hypertensives all. By then, President Cortez should have confiscated our private savings plans for Equity’s sake and discontinued Social Security payments to white people, so I will be spending a lot of time panhandling by the Freeway exits, absorbing Vitamin D. Ah, but that’s a long way off and I’m already too old to die young, so let me continue with my observations at the doctor’s office.

The first thing you notice is that the office furniture people – with an eye to patients’ comfort – have installed a great many loveseats in the waiting room. And then when other patients arrive and sit down, you realize with shock and awe that those seats are meant to accommodate just ONE person. Holy Moses, but Americans are ENORMOUS. And not just the Walmartians. Dang near everybody. Thank God for Dr. Lizzo and Nurse Lena Dunham who help promote the “body-positivity” philosophy of HAES – Healthy At Every Size. You betcha. I am going to start promoting TAEH – Tall At Every Height! Maybe it’s not too late to get into the Radio City Rockettes, if they’re still a thing. I think they all had to be 5’7”, or some Amazonian height like that.

But THE most shocking new wrinkle in my annual visit was a large prominent placard behind the glass protecting the intake people from the patients and their cooties: IT IS A FELONY TO ATTACK MEDICAL PERSONNEL. I swear to God.

I read it through several times in utter disbelief. THIS is enough of a problem now that they have to put up a sign? Do they believe that people inclined to take a swing at a nurse can READ? And will be stopped by the message on the sign? “Oh man, I was GONNA punch this doctor in the face, but now I see that’s a felony. Curses, foiled again!”

I got news for you, people. It is a FELONY to attack pretty much anybody! Or used to be. Now it’s more nuanced. Bear in mind the Assault and Murder Pecking Order, of course. Whites attacking whites, definitely a felony especially if a celebrity is involved.

Whites attacking blacks, a capital offense, even if you have only hurt their feelings or made them feel “unsafe.”

Blacks attacking blacks must never happen, based on the amount of coverage it gets; but if it did, it would be the fault of racism or Donald Trump; and blacks attacking whites is justifiable attack reparations unless, apparently, it is a medical person.

Is it a surprise when people are allowed to loot a Target unimpeded, like locusts descending on a grassy field, that criminals will take that to the next level?

Can a society condone burning a police station to the ground without arresting a single arsonist and still survive?

Does it shock you to learn that stealing – wiping the Walgreen’s shelves clean all day every day if each trip is under $1,000 — is not only legal in lawless Cali, but that you can’t interfere in any way with the shoplifter leaving with his swag? You just have to pray he doesn’t hurt his back from the weight of his bag and SUE Walgreens. You think he couldn’t win in California?

It is barely worth a mention when white or Asian women are pushed onto the subway tracks, often by a career criminal who had just been arrested, severely lectured, and released earlier that day. The elderly get sucker-punched from behind as a “game” so yutes can score points for knock-out punches.

Riley Gaines, a courageous woman swimmer who objects to sharing a locker-room with men in one-piece suits with room for a package, was assaulted and kidnapped with zero consequences to the mob of shrieking mental defectives! (For the noise pollution alone, they should spend a few weeks in jail, forced to listen on an endless tape loop, to the caterwauling night and day.)

And now a SIGN — rather than an armed guard with an Uzi – “reminding” patients not to beat up the young woman weighing you in, no matter how tempting it is to do so when she not only erroneously records your weight as ten pounds heavier than your scale at home, but claims your height is 4’11.8.” Hypothetically.

“It’s the end of the world as we know it.” And truthfully, most of the time, I do feel fine.