Joe Biden proved 80 to be more like the the new 100 than the new 70. Ammo Grrrll denies that 70 IS THE NEW 60. She writes:
InstaPundit is one of my favorite sites, kind of like Drudge used to be before he lost his mind. So when I saw the highlighted headline 70 Is The New 60 I clicked on it. Supposedly, we current Geezer-Americans are doing better at our ages than previous generations did at the same age. But before we proud Geezer-Americans take a hobbling Victory Lap, let me say this is a claim I find unsubstantiated by my “Lived Experience,” but whatever.
The authors of the “study” kind of hedged their bets by saying that all our mental and physical gains of the current generation might be wiped out by rampant obesity. So I deny that 70 is the new 60. And for sure I dispute whether 78 is the new 68. When I was 68, I could still rise from a position seated on the floor without even using my hands. Now, I’m looking for a tasteful and unobtrusive forklift on Amazon. Something that will scarcely be noticed in the corner of the living room and match my color scheme.
And what of our age cohort’s cognitive skills?
Why, just the other night three perfectly intelligent people were watching a documentary about the vicious rivalry between the Celtics and the Lakers and the subject of “longevity” in sports arose. (You can catch the riveting documentary on Netflix.) After talking about George Blanda, someone referred to the Texas Rangers pitcher who retired at 46 after a 27-year career and typically threw 100 mph.
These three people – seriously, really QUITE intelligent and knowledgeable about sports — could not instantly come up with his name, even though all three people knew whom they meant, and at least one person could even picture him in her head. About three long minutes later, Joe/Max blurted out “Nolan Ryan!!” And was quite pleased with himself.
It goes without saying that any self-respecting Gen Xer wouldn’t even try but would just punch one button on his Incarnation #23 of his $5K iPhone and have the answer in milliseconds. But we Geezer-Americans still have enough self-respect and delusions about our abilities to try.
This suggests a new game show for our demographic: Senior Jeopardy! Wherein you no longer need to put the answer into the form of a question, which was always a stupid premise in any event. And contestants get five minutes to come up with the answer. Also it’s played in teams of long-married people who can play the Memory Game with two half brains:
Host: “What actor had a recurring role on Dobie Gillis and had a famous sister who is also an actress?”
Vass Team conferring: “Dobie Gillis? Dobie Gillis? That’s not fair. We didn’t even get that show on our one channel. You KNOW I didn’t get television until I was 12 years old. And then only NBC…”
“Focus, Susan! We could win the lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni. We had three channels in Chicago. Yeah, he was really young and he played this rich kid, very funny, very good-looking…Dangit. William, Walter, Warner, Warren, yeah, definitely Warren something…”
“Oh yeah, he’s married to that actress who said that having a trans kid made HER more interesting. I read that at the hair salon in a People magazine. His sister is also an actress like the question says, but they don’t have the same last name…Warren, Warren…no relation to Elizabeth Warren…”
“Elizabeth Warren??? Seriously? THAT’S a total distraction! Well, you were told years ago that a person needs an Indian guide to follow the thread of your conversation…when you talk, you wander around worse than Trump, God Bless and Keep him. FOCUS! We only have 1 minute left…Warren, Warren – oooh, I’ve GOT it – Warren Beatty!”
Another resident in our Gated Geezer Enclosure, who is herself but a Spring Chicken at 61, also suggested Geezer Bingo. Various diseases, conditions, syndromes, disabilities and ailments will each be represented by a square on a Bingo card. This resident suggested that participants play with kernels of corn as she did back in Indiana.
A host will draw cards from a rotating drum: “Who’s had a knee replacement?” “Hip replacement?” (There will have to be two squares for people who have had both knees or both hips done.) “Next up: Macular Degeneration!” “Torn ACL” “Torn Rotator Cuff” “Who has lumbago?” “Rheumatism?” “Rheumatoid Arthritis?” And so on…til …BINGO!!!
As someone who is “the new 68,” I have to say that the quality of my mail has also deteriorated badly. When I was in my 20s and 30s I still got birthday cards from my grandparents with a dollar bill inside. Also I received a vanishingly small number of mailings about Reverse Mortgages or, worse, Cremation. Now there are sometimes multiple mailings from competing cremation outfits on the same day.
They might as well begin, “We here at Tasteful Cremations R Us have noticed that you are really old and could kick the bucket any day. What say instead of taking up valuable real estate that could be used for another nice Mall that your earthly remains spend their time in an attractive urn? If you have lived the kind of life that Jerry Garcia lived, you could even have several people fighting physically over that urn. But no worries because here at TCRU we will make sure there are plenty of ashes to go around, especially if you aren’t overly fussy about WHOSE ashes they are…”
One last complaint and then I promise not to mention age for at least another month. Is it just me or does it seem that more and more products in the grocery store are almost impossible to break into? Everything seems to be packaged by Fort Knox ShrinkWrap, Inc.
I think the inventors of new packaging are mostly Gen X and Millennial types who hate us Boomers with the white-hot hate of a thousand suns. “Ha!” one might imagine one saying, “You Boomers are so tedious and omnipresent and you are so annoying with your terrible music with melodic tunes AND discernible lyrics and also you insist on putting apostrophes in the contractions in your texts. But go ahead and try with your arthritic little hands to pry the lid off this yogurt!” Maybe it IS just me…
Notice: All comments are subject to moderation. Our comments are intended to be a forum for civil discourse bearing on the subject under discussion. Commenters who stray beyond the bounds of civility or employ what we deem gratuitous vulgarity in a comment — including, but not limited to, “s***,” “f***,” “a*******,” or one of their many variants — will be banned without further notice in the sole discretion of the site moderator.