Fourth of July, Asbury Park (Sandy Berger)

In my post below on Bill Bennett’s Sandy Berger contest, I suggested that a takeoff on Bruce Springsteen’s “Fourth of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)” might be the ticket. Seth Leibsohn advises me that Bill’s listeners are one step ahead of us. One inspired listener (who advises that his version will not work to the Hollies’ version of the song) has already submitted the following (slightly edited for reasons of taste):

Sandy, the Nine Eleven commission would like to speak with you tonight.
Lookin’ for facts, or whatever you can sell them that will make your old boss, Bill look bright
Up in Chappaqua the Clintons, with their switchblade brothers, so fast so shiny so sharp
If you fail people say you’ll be gone the next day like Vince Foster you’ll be found in the park.
Cuz the boys sent by the Clintons will split you wide open while Bill shacks up in Harlem with some [girl]
Chasin’ all them needy New York women by the score
Sandy, the commission is trying to find us.
You’ll hang tight or we’ll end your career forever.
Oh, fool them tonight or your wife may never see you again,
Hey Sandy Berger, do my bidding.
Now the archives they hold all of those papers with the notes that you just love to write
Them guards in uniforms, ah Sandy, eat donuts all night.
So you spent your whole night in them dusty archives, stuffing things into your jeans.
Hiding the papers underneath some trailer, while Bill Clinton, he had sex in Queens
You know that construction down on Constitution Ave
You broke into it that night and almost got caught?
Almost left some fingerprints there? Didn’t think they’d ever wipe off.
Sandy, the commission is trying to find us.
You’ll hang tight or we’ll end your career forever.
Run and take care of this problem. Say, can I date your daughter?
Please remember, Sandy Berger. You’re my, my, my lackey.
Sandy, some guys from Al Quaeda planned to attack New Year’s Eve
Ahmed Ressam said Allah told him it’s time to blow up LAX, the airport
He had a car full of explosives
Then he met Diana Dean, the girl who stopped him at the border in the snow
While those Clintonista stars drinking in their expensive DC bars
Said, We stopped him with our meetings, don’t you know?
When the cops finally bust you, call Hillary. She’ll pay that puny fine for you.
Think your top secret clearance is through, babe?
We’ll see you get that back, too.
Sandy, the commission is trying to find us.
You’ll hang tight or we’ll end your career forever.
Oh, fool them tonight ’cause us Clintons, we own you forever.
Oh, I mean it Sandy Burglar. My, my, my, my, my baby
Yeah, I promise Sandy, Burglar. Sha la la la la, baby

Ladies and gentlemen, this is how it’s done. Please get your creative juices flowing, check the rules for your submission here and note the deadline of January 12.

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