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Susan Vass’s last straw

Our friend Susan Vass is a gifted comedian who grew up, if I recall correctly, in Alexandria, Minnesota. She forwards a column with the explanation that “to keep my head from exploding about Israel, I wrote this to amuse myself.” She files her comments under the heading, “This Is the Last Straw.” She writes:

In Woody Allen’s last amusing picture, Bananas (1971), the insane banana republic dictator decrees after attaining power, “From now on the official language will be Swedish. Everyone will wear their underwear on the outside.”

In the regulatory hell we now live in where bureaucrats are engaged in a daily game of “Can You Top This?”, where trans fats are banned, children’s lemonade stands are raided and little girls who rescue birds are billed $500, you would think that the hundreds of czars and busybodies would be out of ideas. But you would be wrong.

Now comes the Department of Labor with proposed new regs forbidding farm children to do chores on their own farms. Seriously.

All my farm kid friends could drive cars by 5, tractors by 7 or 8 and big machinery by junior high. They could milk cows by hand or machine, and build a barn in a long weekend. They were more creative, more confident, more disciplined than us lazy slacker town kids who didn’t know how to raise a cow up from a baby cow (called a “calf” in farm talk).

True, many were Bitter Clingers. Maybe something about being that close to Nature and rebirth and seasons made them God-fearing. Plus they did need Guns to get rid of various varmints.

What motivated the parasitical overpaid gubmint drones to come up with this latest outrage? Weren’t they busy enough planning Conferences with Clowns? Downloading porn on government time? Worrying about whether or not they were part of the government employees who owe more than a billion dollars in back taxes?

Too much time on their hands, or was it something simpler?

Their desire to control every aspect of your and your children’s lives is a given. The government will tell you how to pack your kid’s lunch, thank you. Guidelines: include nothing he would actually eat.

Were the regulators also jealous because farm kids were the last cohort of children that wasn’t lard-butt obese? That might hurt the self-esteem of non-farm kids.

Perhaps they were hoping that, if children couldn’t legally do chores, that the farmers would be forced to hire migrant labor that would bring in more Democrat voters. Too many Mexicans are going home because there’s less work.

If Americans don’t fight THIS, if we don’t draw a line in the sand HERE, then it’s over. We should send the Statue of Liberty back to France. In her place, erect a giant Mary Poppins statue, umbrella and all, squatting in Nanny Bloomberg’s harbor. No more huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Yearning leads to striving and we can’t have that because it leads to disparate outcomes; huddling is bad for your posture; and breathing — free or otherwise — produces carbon dioxide which will harm Gaia.

Susan Vass is a semi-retired comedian who also served as a speech-writer for Norm Coleman’s successful 2002 Senate race. She now divides her time between Minnesota and Arizona.

Copyright © 2012 Susan Vass. All rights reserved. Published with the kind permission of the author.

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