Power Line’s Compleat Guide to Aquatic-Assisted Childbrith

For a coastal Californian, it borders on cultural negligence that I have not noticed before now the fad of dolphin-assisted childbirth. Yes—it’s a real thing among the sufi-yogan new age crystal-gazing gluten-conscious set. Apparently some devotees of this method believe that newborns will be acquire an innate ability to understand and communicate with dolphins. And of course it is a stupid idea.

If you want to take in how truly stupid, there are a bunch of YouTube videos of the fad, and I thought about embedding one here, except that some of them are more realistic that I want to have appearing on our site. You’ll have to look them up on your own.

Besides, I think we should run with this idea. Why limit aquatic-species birth assistance to dolphins? Why not sharks? Shark-assisted childbirth would be perfect for Ayn Rand devotees—if Ayn Rand devotees actually had any children. (Randians seem less fond of actual procreation than gay Broadway choreographers.)

So here is Power Line’s Compleat Guide to Suitable Aquatic Species Birth Partners:

Hedge Fund managers: Barracuda-assisted.

Bankers: Goldfish-assisted.

NASCAR and SEC football fans: Catfish-assisted.

Rosie O’Donnell spawn: Whale-assisted.

James Carville-Mary Malatin spawn: Moray eel-assisted.

Academics: Puffer-fish assisted.

Texans: Wide-mouth bass-assisted.

Liberals: Flounder-assisted (but Yellowtail snapper as a backup).

Socialists and Communists: Grouper-assisted.

Kardashians: Poisonous Lion-fish-assisted.

Democrats: Clown fish-assisted.

Republicans: Ditto.

Journalists: Gibberfish-assisted.

Bill Clinton: Slippery dick-assisted. (Yes, there is such a fish species.)

Hillary Clinton: Cod ice fish-assisted.

Government lawyers: Limpet-assested.

Jazz and blues musicians: Sole-assisted.

Pot smokers: Stonefish-assisted.

Environmentalists: Sucker-fish-assisted.

CIA agents: Spookfish-assisted.

Army rangers: Swordfish-assisted.

Navy seals: Stingray assisted.

Podiatrists: Abelone-assisted.

Your nominations welcome in the comment section.