Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll has searched her archives and now discloses those filed under EMAIL TO SELF:

To: Ammogrrrll
From: Ammogrrrll
Cc: Mr. AG
In re: Missing Key Lime Pie

It has come to my attention that the remainder of the Key Lime Pie (nearly ¾ of the pie, as it happens) appears to be missing. In no way could this have been consumed by me and certainly not in one sitting while Mr. AG was at the dentist.

I know this did not happen because I was specifically told by my doctor that my cholesterol has been creeping up from “ridiculously-high” to “sludge-level.” And since I was told not to do things like this, and always to follow the proper procedure for storage of Pie, Key Lime, it did not happen.

Thank God I have this record proving that I did not do anything inappropriate with the Key Lime Pie or with the Double Chocolate Fudge Brownies either, which I am confident are still safely in the freezer right next to where the Lemon Bars used to be. I always store Fudge Brownies the proper way, what we here in Protect Thine Patootie Land call “by the book.” Or, in this instance, by the Lemon Bars. Well, technically, where they used to be. Or would be, were they not also gone missing. Some kind of Baked Goods Bermuda Triangle is my best guess.

To: Ammogrrrll
From: Ammogrrrll
In re: 2017 Tax Return

I sure am glad that I, in no way, have ever made a mistake in regards to legal deductions as defined by TurboTax. When TurboTax speaks, I listen, Boy Howdy. Always go by the book, says TurboTax, and that suits me right down to the ground.

Sometimes there are grey areas not entirely covered by TurboTax, such as what constitutes “a separate office.” Does there have to be a desk, for example? When is a queen-size guest bed is a perfectly-appropriate work space? And why have file cabinets in a “paperless” office? When you can have a little mini-fridge instead.

What a lucky break that I happen to have this unimpeachable record from myself to myself promising that I did not violate the spirit of the law, as defined by TurboTax. I am known as a very spiritual person. Oh wait, that was Donna Brazile who did not give Hillary any debate questions in advance because Donna stated emphatically that she is a black woman and a very spiritual Christian to boot, which is all well and good, but apparently, she failed to send herself an email saying she did not do that, and therefore was fired. If only a nice exculpatory email from herself to herself had been found she would not have had to write that book about how Hillary stole the nomination from Bernie that just needlessly upset so many people.

But back to the little tax issue and the quibbling over what constitutes a separate office. I am also attaching a picture of the “office” which may look like a guestroom, especially with the guests in it, but which I can assure you is an office. And a separate one at that, so separate that it looks exactly like a guest casita. But it is not. Because I say it is not. In this email.

To: Ammogrrrll
From: Ammogrrrll
In re: Weight Watcher weigh-in

Good Heavens! Weight Watchers must be using that broken scale again! It is not possible that I have gained 7 lbs. in just a week. I know this to be a fact because Weight Watchers has told me to stick to the program – by the book! – and I have. In fact, WW specifically mentions avoiding Key Lime Pie, Double Chocolate Fudge Brownies and Lemon Bars, so those things in particular I did not eat. Because my WW coach said “Do not do this.” And so I didn’t.

Someone might think that I had done that anyway, but then I can show them this email and they will be convinced that I had not done anything wrong. It is always good to make a thorough record of things you absolutely did not do.

Think what needless anguish poor Harvey Weinstein has gone through because he failed to email himself assuring the public that he never asked women to watch him shower because, for the love of Pete, WHO would DO that??

But back to Weight Watchers. Not that I am going back. When they refuse to use my own scale or even allow me to weigh in naked. It is possible I may have made a math error computing the number of “points” I am allowed on the program. I used to have a sexist Barbie Doll that said, “Math is hard,” so I just flat-out gave up. So that must explain the discrepancy between LOSING 2 pounds and gaining 7. Because I did nothing wrong, as any fool can see by this email.


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