Trouble in Potomac City

I couldn’t help it.  With apologies to Meredith Wilson and The Music Man, herewith an update of “Trouble in River City”:

Prof. Harold Charles Hill:

Well, either you are closing your eyes to a situation which you do not wish to acknowledge,
Or you are unaware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a Gingrich in your political party;

Well, ya got trouble my friend,
I say, trouble right here in Potomac City.
Why sure I’m a political player,
Certainly mighty proud, always mighty proud to say it.
I consider that the hours I spend
With a poll in my hand are golden.
Helps you cultivate no sense,
And a hot head and a wandering eye.
‘Jever take and try to speak an iron-clad truth
To yourself from a three-rail ethanol bribe?

But just as I say it takes judgment, brains and maturity to score in any lobbying game;
I say that any boob, can take and shove CNN in a pocket.
And I call that sloth,
The first big step on the road to the depths of degrada-
I say first!—A little “ahistorical” cash from Freddie,
Then retainers from Pharma!

And the next thing you know your voters are all out swooning for the pinchback Newt,
And listen’ to some big out-o’-work Speaker
Here to tell about the transformation!
Not a wholesome reform race, no, but a race where he moves the poles of the earth!
Like to see some stuck up Speaker boy sittin’ in the White House?
Makes your blood boil, well I should say.

Now folks let me show you what I mean.
You got one, two, three, four— how many wives is it on the table?
Baggage that marks the difference between candidate and a clod,
With a capital “C” and that rhymes with “G” and that stands for “Newt!”

And all year long your great nomination will be fritterin’ away,
I say, your good men will be fritterin’!
Fritterin’ away are Christie, Rubio, Ryan, too.
Put the cash in the pocket,
Never mind getting’ deficits cut or Iran’s bomb stopped or the unions thwarted;
Never mind pumpin’ the economy ‘til the votes are all in and Obama is back and that’s trouble!

Oh ya got lots and lots of trouble.
I’m thinkin’ of the votes in the independent swing states,
Young ones peekin’ at the portly pol after school
Ya got trouble folks, right here in Potomac City,
With a capital “T” and that rhymes with “G” and that stands for “Newt!”

Now I know all you folks are the right kind of voters.
I’m going to be perfectly frank.
Would you like to know what kind of conversation goes on
While Newt is loafing inside of his head?
He’ll be tryin’ out Toffler; he’ll be tryin’ out Churchill,
He’ll be tryin’ out Napoleon and Hannibal, too!
And braggin’ all about how he’ll cover up the tell-tale swell with adverbs.

Now one fine night, down at the news hall,
Headin’ for the debate with Obama,
Libertine men and scarlet women in prime time
Shameless attacks that will grab your son, your daughter,
Into the arms of a Newtron abverb vortex—massteria!
Friends, the idle Newt is the devil’s playground—trouble!

RNC People:

Oh, we got trouble!

Prof. Hill:

Right here in Potomac City.

RNC People:

Right here in Potomac City!

Prof Hill:

With a capital “T” and that rhymes with “G” and that stands for “Newt!”

RNC People:

That stands for Newt!

Prof. Hill:

We surely got trouble.

RNC People:

We surely got trouble!

Prof. Hill:

Gotta figure out a way to keep the House Reps moral after dark.

Voters of the Republican Party
Heed this warning before it is too late.
Watch for the telltale signs of destruction:
The minute our Newt leaves the stage
Does he restart his Progressivism in the dark?
Is there a Tiffany ring on his index finger?
Another historical novel at the printer?
Is he starting to memorize new adverbs
From Billy Clinton’s Whizbang?
Are certain words creeping into his conversation?
Words like . . . frankly?
And. . . fundamentally?

Well if so my friends. . .

Ya got trouble.

RNC people:

Oh we got trouble. . .