Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll has formulated a modest proposal that a certain person or persons unnamed STOP APOLOGIZING! She writes:

You may remember when The Lightbringer first got coronated, that he went on a world-wide Apology Tour, apologizing for any crime, real or imagined, that the Unexceptional Country he was elected to represent had committed. Can you name one country with which we have better, healthier relations now than before Obama took it upon himself to apologize on our behalf? This is a lesson learned in every gradeschool playground when confronted with bullies: Groveling never works. It only inflames and encourages them.

Fast forward to the other day when The Great Shirt Scare drove Ebola off the front pages. A genius scientist with the European Space Agency’s Rosetta Project achieved an almost impossible feat (after 10 years!) of landing a space probe on comet 67P. And at the jubilant presser he wore a shirt designed for him – by a close woman friend no less — which featured some cartoon cuties in something other than a burqa. And a few jealous, perpetually-enraged feminists, who couldn’t land a minnow using dynamite, lost what passes for their minds.

Then came the traditional groveling, tearful apology from the humiliated scientist, very possibly with his job hanging in the balance. He’ll probably be fired anyway; like the abrupt resignation of Larry Summers following Harvard faculty’s “no-confidence” vote. Let me repeat that groveling never works, never satisfies the slavering lynch mob.

So you may as well die on your feet as live on your knees. Here is what the young scientist should have said instead. You will recognize the third paragraph homage to The Awesome Bard because some battle cries can’t be improved upon:

I will wear this shirt every day until it falls off me in tatters. You will be able to smell me coming in time to flee in terror. If you feel ‘unsafe’ – a popular feminist weasel word – in the presence of cloth cartoon women, let me assure you that you are completely safe. They aren’t real and can’t hurt you, though they may invite invidious comparisons. You are much safer than the body politic that caves time and again to intolerant loudmouths like you.

Upon this silly harmless shirt, we shall make our stand. When my envious critic accomplishes what I have accomplished, then she can wear a prom dress with her bra on the outside, or a plaid flannel shirt and sweatpants, and I won’t say a mumblin’ word. Until that time, she can shut her piehole. Now and forever I will wear whatever I damn please.”

This story shall the good man teach his son.
From this day to the ending of the world
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers
Shall wear this shirt. Or any others.
And Pajama Boys on Mommy’s insurance to age 26
Shall think themselves accurs’d they lack this shirt so full of chicks.
And hold their cocoa and their puny manhoods while any speaks
That fought with us upon St. Crispins Day for science geeks.

Ammo Grrrll plans to order this shirt to wear to Chick-Fil-A on the way back from shooting at pictures of baby seals at the Tactical Range. If there were some other way to offend the sensibilities of these bullies, I would do that, too. Plastic bags? Carbs? A flag pin? An “I Heart Men” button? A rare steak, glass of bourbon and a Lucky Strike? John should run his Miss Universe contest photos every day. Throw in some cheerleaders. Heck, yeah!

I have had it with these tedious, humorless harridans speaking in my name for the last half century. As Obama advised his supporters, we need to “get in their faces,” albeit far enough back to avoid the perpetual flying spittle. So, let this be the moment when we begin to heal this sick culture, and we lower the ocean of bullshit. Enough! No more apologies to totalitarian harpies who hate individualism, free speech, differences of opinion and half the human race.

AMMO GRRRLL ADDS THIS NOTE: Mollie Hemingway has written a terrific screed expanding on many of these same points in Tuesday’s Federalist. Since my column is but once a week, it’s tough to be timely. However, I wrote this before I read her article, swearsies. Read hers too. She’s a wonderful writer.

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