Ammo Grrrll takes a deep dive into the Democratic mind for CAMPAIGN SLOGANS (A Parody. More or Less.)
FYEO: Reply All. Top Secret DNC Memo From Debbi Wasserman-Test Schultz
Leaked by the Norks
It appears that Hillary is in freefall and we may need some kind of backup plan in case the campaign season entails her actually having to appear in public sometime in the next 17 months. And Gawd forbid, having to answer questions. So, am in process of designing multimedia campaign for alternatives. Need slogans for all candidates, plus an overall theme. Remember, we’re spitballin’ here – no bad ideas. We will undoubtedly never equal Hope and Change for vague words people like that have one syllable. (What are you “Hoping” for? What’s gonna “Change”? Nobody asked!! Amazing! Let’s repeat that, people!)
Though some of these words have multiple syllables, they all tested well in focus groups. People liked Puppies and Porn; but Cupcakes and Free Shit did best of all. Trying to get artist who designed halo for Dear Leader to do a nifty cupcake.
Here are a few ideas for our first group of possible candidates. More will follow:
With Dear Leader calling her just by her first name, we are thinking that must be cool. Like, you know, Yanni, Cher, Sting. Fabian. Campaign slogans:
Elizabeth: Come for the Uterus; Stay For The High Cheek Bones!
Elizabeth: Just As Radical as Bernie and Not a White Man!
Elizabeth: Remember How Well It Went With the Last One-Term Senator?
Elizabeth: She’ll carry Massachusetts and Minnesota!
Campaign Song: “Cherokee Maiden” by Willie Nelson. Many have suggested that a country singer could peel off votes from the Crazy Gun Nut Redneck Taliban Wing of the Republican party. (Not that I’m suggesting in any “high horse” kinda way that the Taliban are as bad as the Tea Party; they are just unemployed, not evil.)
JOHN and AL
Then there are our two loser retreads, perhaps re-branded successfully? Cost savings on leftover yard signs. Duct tape over non-persons, Joe L. and John E.
Kerry: He’s The Bomb!
Kerry: A Swift Boat to Prosperity.
Kerry: Anyone with a Yacht, an $8,000 bike and Wacky Condiment Queen Billionaire Wife understands your problems!
Kerry: He’s Got One of Them Thar Huntin’ Licenses.
Campaign Theme Songs should remind voters of John’s invaluable service as a player in the negotiations to give Iran a nuclear weapon. In honor of that landmark accomplishment, we are working on a deal with – are you sitting down? – the Eagles for a medley of hits including “Wasted Time,” “Lyin’ Eyes,” and “Desperado”!! I’m sure you’re as excited as I am. Someone has also suggested Merle Haggard’s “My Own Kind of Hat,” but we think the Eagles’ medley has broader appeal.
Word up: Nobody should return John Edwards’s relentless phone calls. Caller Reject, people.
As a last resort, we could try Al again. He also has billions of dollars. Can afford to travel with a snowplow and sand truck to deal with unfortunate blizzards wherever he appears. This is particularly embarrassing in July. Earth tone wardrobe may need to be let out.
GORE: Because Everyone Loves a Rich Old Bloated Hysteric
GORE: Data, Schmata! It’s Getting Warmer!
GORE: Forget, Hell! I’m Still Mad About 2000. I Won, Dammit.
Now, here we also have two suggestions for a Campaign Theme Song. “Growing Older But Not Up” by Jimmy Buffett and “I’d Like to Have That One Back” by George Strait. We would love to get Paul McCartney on board with “Here Comes the Sun,” but that could mistakenly associate the sun with warmer temps. As if.
In the event that Hillary does not go gentle into that good night, here are a few more possible slogans to push her Reset Button, as it were:
Hillary: Go To The Back of the Line!
Hillary: It’s my TURN, dammit!
Hillary: All Those “Donors” Are Gonna Be Pissed If They Don’t Get What They Paid For!
And finally, for the sympathy vote that won her the Senate in New York:
Hillary: Her Husband Cheats!
Campaign theme song which we feel celebrates the whole Clinton power couple: Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing and Chicks For Free.”