The Nation Whine Club

I guess cruises with the ever delightful Katrina van den Heuvel and junkets to Cuba just aren’t enough for the cosmopolite readership of The Nation. They have a Nation Whine Club now! Oh wait, it’s a Wine Club, but you can understand how the confusion could creep in.

I already belong to too many wine clubs, and in any case wouldn’t trust The Nation to select wines anyway. Because I am sure the club’s sommelier thinks in the following manner:

First, the club only stocks red wine, since red is the color of the revolution, and white wine offers subtle reinforcement of white supremacy. You’ll just have to come up with some new cheeses to pair up with red wine.

Second, the club will only carry red wines made with unionized grapes. (This will actually rule out wines made from Nancy Pelosi’s grapes, as it is rumored that she uses non-union labor to harvest her Napa Valley vineyard. But sacrifices have to be made.) Most likely the Nation Wine Club grapes will all come from Venezuela.

Third, needless to say, only sustainable grapes, with no sulfites added. Or pesticides. Hey—if a worm in the bottle is good enough for fine Mexican tequila, why not Nation Wine Club wines?

Fourth, all selections will be red wine blends, because distinct varietals like Cabernet Sauvignon reinforce inequality. The poor Merlots have been marginalized ever since Sideways. In fact the club won’t even have labels on the bottles, since labels facilitate invidious discrimination.

Fifth, the wine will be free, since everyone has a basic human right to wine.

Finally, because of this standardization of the wine, every wine review will be the same:

“This high alcohol blend boasts of its high residual sugar level that draws you in, but the strong sweet taste over the front of the palate turns immediately to a bitter, ashen texture as it goes down. May cause indigestion and eventual gastro-intenstinal shut down. These are not wines for drinking. They are wines for laying down and avoiding, or serving at Bernie Sanders rallies. Pairs well with seeds, shrubs, small rodents, grass clippings, and other staples of the Venezuelan diet.”

Of course it will get 100 points, because anything less would hurt the self-esteem of The Nation winemakers.

Pretty certain The Nation wine club won’t be offering these:

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