Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll says TODDLERS KNOW BEST, but that’s a joke. She writes:

The very pretty, fairly talented actress Charlize Theron has informed her public that both her adopted black children are girls. Fair enough. Well, ONE of those little children, now about 7, started out life as a boy child. But when he was three years old – yes, THREE — he came to her and informed her that he was NOT a boy. And that’s all it took for him to continue life as a girl. Whatever.

I understand. When our son was 3, he also had an epiphany. We had just moved into our latest in a series of small, cramped apartments, this one on the East Side of St. Paul. This one happened to be a basement apartment. It contained a living room, a teeny tiny bedroom for him, and a second bedroom that could just barely contain our Queen-size bed and dresser. One bathroom between the two bedrooms. The “European” Kitchen (think Romania) featured a spacious Formica counter that came pre-sticky and ran well over 18 inches long, a double sink, a small stove and fridge, both appliances in a festive green color called “Avocado” because it sounds more appealing than “Bile.” Do I have to tell you it was the ’70s?

Anyway, our imaginative little boy walked into his new digs, noticed that we were partially underground and informed us, “This is a monkey cave, and we’re all monkeys in this cave. I am a monkey boy named Chip Chip.” He pointed to his father and declared his name to be “Bobo.” In an apparent premonition of things to come, he named me “Shot Shot.”

Naturally, being extremely WOKE parents who understood that toddlers know best, we immediately began a program of massive reconstructive facial surgery to get him to look as much like a monkey as possible. We also removed his opposable thumbs and marinated him daily in Minoxidil in the hopes of his growing fur. If Precious SAYS he’s a monkey, then, by God, he is one and has always been one.

Oh, wait. Now, I remember. We didn’t do ANY of that. And lucky for us that we didn’t. Because after a few weeks of using our monkey names as a lark, he tired of the game. One day, I said “Chip Chip your lunch is ready” — Grubs and Lice Casserole with 16 bananas — and he looked at me like I had lost my mind and said, “My name is Jacob.” And that was that.

A few years ago there was a minor uptick of little African children being adopted by rich, famous white actresses. I have no idea how that will all turn out, but I have no reason to doubt that the ladies’ hearts were in the right place. But having a child of color is so yesterday. Now there are at least four actresses claiming one of their children is a transgender. It’s one thing when Chaz Bono decides as an adult to do whatever he did to turn from Chastity to Chaz. I wish him nothing but happiness and rooted for him on “Dancing With the Stars” even though he seemed to have all the raw dancing ability of the Hamm’s Bear. No worries. I am a lousy dancer too and my husband, the famous novelist Max Cossack, has declared himself to be “the worst dancer that ever lived.” I have no reason to doubt his boastful claim.

Adults will do what adults will do. But there is no way on God’s green earth that a three-year-old has ANY idea of what his sex is or should be. And in my opinion, despite some insane countries like Canada mandating that “misgendering” one’s own children is “violence” and actionable, it borders on child abuse to encourage it.

Here is the Ammo Grrrll recommended response when your three-year-old boy tells you he is NOT a boy. “Yes, you definitely are a boy and it’s a GREAT thing to be! There is not one thing that a boy can’t do that a girl can. Boys can do and be anything they want – soldiers, carpenters, florists, police officers, fire fighters, farmers, astronauts, hair dressers, baseball players, video game designers, anything you can think of that looks like fun to do, boys can do it! And among the greatest of things that boys can be is to grow up and be Daddies and have wonderful little boys like YOU and wonderful little girls like your baby sister!”

Now why in the world did Ms. Theron not give a speech more or less like that instead of dressing him in girls’ clothes going forward? Well, first of all, she has no husband or even “partner” who is male to make the little boy feel special. Put another way, in the words that all the chronic whiners always use when they feel like they are “marginalized” — the little boy had “no one who looked like him” as a role model.

This has always struck me as a particularly stupid statement in a world of truly terrifying levels of stupidity. When I decided to try standup comedy, my “role models” were Bob Newhart, Jack Benny, Woody Allen, The Smothers Brothers, Minnie Pearl, and Joan Rivers, not one of whom looked much like me, even though two of them had lady bits. I learned from their SKILLS and timing, not their genitalia. But, as usual, I digress.

If this little boy watched much television, especially sitcoms and commercials, he would see that grown men are too stupid to live and are always taking orders and rolled-eye advice from their “betters”: namely, wives and even, often enough, their precocious, mouthy children.

If this little boy’s Mama had the television tuned to anything but Fox News Business, he would hear an absolutely endless stream of hateful drivel about men and masculinity. What little boy wants to be “toxic” even if he doesn’t know what the word means? Just by the by, he will also hear tons of racist anti-white crap which could get awkward when his Mama is white.

This little boy dressed in girls’ clothing at seven is, for now, living in a make-believe world. It is easier to pretend to be a girl before puberty hits and the Hormones of Craziness kick in totally against our will. Those hormones will determine whether or not we are going to have emotionally-overwrought times of the month, or embarrassing semi-permanent pants protuberances that prevent any desire to go up to the blackboard to show off our math skills.

The hormones will eventually be pretty definitive. What sane person lets a three-year-old make critical life decisions? Heck, Phyllis “Mama Doc” Kahn (D-former MN State Rep for Life) thought 12-year-olds should vote. Well then, why shouldn’t six-year-olds get Drivers’ Licenses and toddlers choose their own “genders.”

And I repeat the mantra I use more frequently all the time: “Thank God I’m pretty old. Maybe I won’t have to see my beautiful country take its final degenerate dive over the cliff.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Ilhan Omar defeated 22-term incumbent state representative Phyllis Kahn in the August 2016 DFL primary that augured worse to come. By contrast with Omar, Ms. Kahn is a gracious, straightforward, old-fashioned DFL scrapper. She looks better to me every day.