Ammo Grrrll wants to fill a JOB OPENING!!! She writes:
It has come to my attention that the Twitter Head Content Moderator Vijaya Gadde is the genius who had the great idea to ban the Hunter Biden laptop story, a story that some 16 percent of the electorate surveyed said would have changed their vote in the 2020 election. Well done, Vijaya! Oh, and she also banned the sitting President of the United States. Talk about a Power Trip. Can you imagine some entity telling FDR he couldn’t broadcast his Fireside Chats on the radio?
But the nerve of the woman is not what struck me the most. No, it was learning that for these crimes against Truth, Free Speech, Democracy and Human Decency, she also made $17 million dollars in a single year. No wonder she’s in a panic over the new sheriff soon to be in town, Mr. Elon Musk. However, if she isn’t also an idiot as well as a totalitarian liar, she should never have to work again after just that one year. I know I could scrape by on the savings from that – how ‘bout you?
But a little all-too-human frisson of envy tickled my brain and I have decided to apply for her job. Principles are all well and good, but SEVENTEEN MILLION DOLLARS? Are you kidding me? So, if anyone knows how to contact Mr. Musk, perhaps you could forward this to him.
Hey, how’s it goin’? I have watched two outstanding biographies of you and think you are doing a great job. Your Tweets are awesome! My husband is really excited about going on one of your Mars trips, if the price drops below $51 million per ticket. I am trying to save up for it out of the grocery money, but with the Biden Inflation, it is getting more difficult.
Congratulations on your upcoming acquisition of Twitter.
I understand that you are going to be indulging in some good old-fashioned cost-cutting when you finally take the reins of Twitter. Though I have never Twitted a single line in my life, I have looked at some righteous beatdowns with entertaining voiceover by Steve Inman. And thanks to my husband’s obsession, we have watched many many cat and dog videos that people post there. But despite my not being a regular Twitter user, in the spirit of self-sacrifice and patriotism, I offer to take over Ms. Gadde’s job with – are you sitting down, sir? — a 50 percent pay cut! Yes, I believe I can do that job for just $8,500,000.
Or, seriously, just $7,500,000 and, say, six Teslas to give as gifts to my family members. I will keep driving my beloved 10-year-old Hyundai Sonata, no offense to your great product.
What, you may well ask, do I bring to the table in the realm of “banning” things? Okay, first of all, from the day I began using underarm deodorant as a young pre-teen – and not a minute too soon – I chose “Ban” Deodorant! It has served me well for many decades. [God, do you remember the mortifying first time you realized that instead of transforming from the Ugly Duckling into the Swan you had been promised in children’s literature, in addition to your awkwardness, you had now acquired the ability to smell bad?] Okay, back to the job application…
Second, I am a mother. And a foster mother. Of a total of 3 boys of several colors who were all teens at the same time. And each had no fewer than 4 friends in the house at any one time. Eating. Here is just a partial list of my nonnegotiable rulings against Hate Speech, Nebulous Danger, and Mis-Dis-Information:
STUFF I HAVE BANNED:
To prevent unsightly double-stacking of books, if a new book comes into the house, one must leave. (Admittedly, this one has been poorly enforced. We can but try.)
There will be no eating Cheetos except over the sink.
All Hate Speech will be banned: examples – “I hate broccoli.” “I hate writing thank you notes to Grandma.” “I hate Tuna Noodle Casserole.” “I hate leftovers.”
The boring, self-righteous, fake Black Preacher singsong voice of Obama cannot be tolerated. He may be watched on television, but only on mute. Especially he may be watched with the fake African interpreter for the deaf. What a day-maker that was!
Limit of one new gun per month. To replace the ones lost in unfortunate boating incident. Poorly enforced.
Kicking soccer ball in the living room – banned.
Practicing slapshots in hockey in the house – banned.
Going “long” for a pass in house – banned.
Bowling – don’t even ask.
There will be no dancing – This applies to Joe only. There will be no singing aloud – by pretty much anyone in family. Subdued humming acceptable.
With 3 teenage boys, the wearing of baseball caps at the dinner table – banned. Even backwards. Okay, for sure banned when Grandma visits or for Sunday dinner.
The wearing of a t-shirt – where in God’s name did you GET it? – bearing the words “You are standing on my penis” is banned from either high school wear or Grandma’s house.
Kickboxing is banned from everywhere but the basement. Allowances will be discontinued until the lamp and coffee table are fully paid for.
No rap that uses the “N” word or disrespects women will be played in the house or car. In other words, no rap.
Bonus things banned since retirement: pantyhose and alarm clocks.
Elon, I know you have eight children and I will also throw in free babysitting of any or all of those children, but the smaller the better. I am very good with children and my Story Hour Costume is just jeans and a t-shirt (with no penis messages on it), not drag. Also, my hair is its natural color – Platinum Blonde — sometimes mistakenly called Grey. So please think about my one-time, limited-time offer. The clock is ticking.
Wait, what? Lunatics hate you because you are NOT going to ban stuff? Oh. Em. Gee. How embarrassing. As my heroine Ms. Emily Litella would say, “Never mind.” Maybe just the babysitting part? And ONE Tesla as an Oprah-like present?
Sincerely, Your Biggest Fan,