• So, he’s a ham sandwich after all (assuming our readers know the cliche about grand juries). But what kind of ham? I’m torn between Black Forest and honey-baked, but definitely uncured. Totally not Spam ham, as a certain podcast partner insists. Served on white Wonderbread (the official bread of MAGA rallies—it has over 20 chemicals and additives to keep us healthy!) with a large slathering of mayo.
• Trump should have shot someone on Fifth Avenue after all, since we know that Alvin Bragg won’t bring charges against anyone who does that.
• As usual, the Babylon Bee gets right to the heart of the matter:
• Good to see the New York Times is still on it when it comes to finding every possible oppressed victim group:
Stressed plants make audible sounds that can be heard many feet away, and the type of sound corresponds with the kind of bad day they are having.
But the Times blew the sub-hed, which should say: “Vegans of Color Hardest Hit.” Still, I expect a wave of great pop songs to follow: “Good Plants Don’t Cry,” etc.
Or maybe the crybabies in the Times newsroom are just desperate for company. You never know when Tom Cotton might wander by outside, stepping on plants the whole time.
• Another victory for the old imperial measurements over the Communist metric system:
Asteroid the size of 33 armadillos to pass Earth Sunday – NASA
Asteroid 2023 FL2 is 35 meters, which is as much as almost 33 nine-banded armadillos lined up tail-to-snout. However, it won’t hit us, and armadillos might even be more dangerous.
I insist the speed measurement be done in furlongs-per-fortnight. Because Edmund Burke.
