Thoughts from the ammo line

COVERING ALL MY BASES! That’s what Ammo Grrrll is doing this week. She writes:

I am NOT a fan of the news coming at us at the speed of light! Let the record show that it is Sunday, July 21, and I have to write a column to be submitted on Wednesday that will run on Friday, and there’s not a snowball’s chance in Hades that whatever I say about ANYTHING won’t be obviated to the point of irrelevancy by then!

One of my favorite movies of all time is Splash, with Tom Hanks as a romantic single guy and Darryl Hannah as a tastefully naked mermaid who washes up in New York City. Eugene Levy plays a hapless scientist trying to prove the existence of the mermaid. Along about Day 3 he ends up with a badly broken arm and several other bodily injuries and bemoans his fate with, “Oy, what a week I’m having!!!”

I get it now. I FEEL you, Eugene.

So let me make a few early calls to cover all my bases going forward on things that MAY happen or, more likely, already have. I may turn out to be the twin sister of Nostradamus (Nostra Dama Grrrll) or instead a regular Nancy Pelosi, who is immortalized telling a TV hack reporter in May of 2016, “Donald Trump is not going to be President of the United States. Take it to the bank. I guarantee it!” But, remember, you have to PASS my column to find out what’s in it…or words to that effect.

With Biden out to lunch and out of the running, Kamala’s first venue this week was a small grade school gymnasium in Modesto, CA. (Remember how TINY that gym looked to you when you went back to your grade school as an adult? Yeah, that small.)

Kamala isn’t very smart, but she noticed the bump that Donald J. Trump got in the polls from surviving an attempted assassination. Fully one-third of polled Lunacrats believe that Trump orchestrated the hit on himself! When Turkish-American left-winger Cenk Uygar is the voice of reason calling out this absurd theory, I fear the State totters.

Anyway, continuing to project possibilities in the next few days, let’s say Kamala took an Assault .22 Ruger Pistol Weapon of War that a Congressional cop had left in the grade school bathroom and aimed for her ear. Luckily she shot herself in the head, thereby missing any vital organs, yet producing an impressive amount of blood as even minor head injuries will do.

She was heard to say, “Well, crap, this is a lot harder than it looks! Why was I not POSITIONED to shoot myself successfully in the ear? My makeup is a mess now.”

The much anticipated rally for Kamala Unleashed featured opening acts Robert DeNiro, Pink Floyd, David Letterman, and Cher. They watched in horror as Kamala staggered out of the restroom onto the stage, raised her little fist and shouted, “Every day we will continue to do what we do every day!” Before collapsing temporarily — she’s okay now — she yelled, “Shoot if you must this old grey head, but something, something something about a flag, she said!” causing her one last remaining staff member to submit her resignation.

I must stipulate here that we are all ASSUMING that Cher’s expression was one of either horror, joy, or possibly nausea, as it is no longer possible to distinguish what expression she is attempting to simulate.

Anyway, before Kamala fell, she passed the proverbial “baton” all the Democrats have been yammering about — in this case a real sparkly one from a Gender Fluid HS Marching Band – to Gretchen Whitmer, who sadly was tackled a few minutes later by a bloated, grim-faced harridan in a kind of muu-muu caftan affair that the designer obviously meant as a prank.

The frumpy assailant then leapt from the stage, John Wilkes Boothe style, breaking a hip but limping on in a Strong Independent Woman It’s MY Turn kind of way. She formed a “listening tour” and phoned up her old buddy Huma, recently engaged to one of the richest men on Earth. “Hey, girl, whaddya say we get the band back together again?”

The Three Witches of Eastwick will be fighting it out tooth and claw until the handful of rich white male oligarchs and their dumped ex-wives in the Democrat Party decide which Historic Woman will be most expendable running against Donald J. Trump.

In discussing these events, the intermittently lucid Van Jones cried. Adam Kinzinger cried. Rachel Maddow wept openly and Michael Moore and Chris Christie were able to steal their snack trays as they waited in the MSNBC Green Room to get their turn to cry on live television. I’m sorry…I need a moment to gather myself, myself. Talk amongst yourselves.

Okay. I feel “safe” now, whatever THAT means…Meanwhile, Trump and Vance had to turn thousands away from their Madison Square Garden Rally, but it was live streamed to three or four other venues. The Donald broke his previous record and spoke without notes for well over four hours as exhausted but happy revelers laughed and danced and some Cuban refugees exclaimed, “This is nothing. We Cubans are used to long speeches and at least this is indoors in America’s wonderful Conditioning of the Air.”

Asked if New York was “in play,” mayor Kathy Hochul, who looks like a dead ringer for Gretchen Whitmer in resembling the Wicked Queen in Snow White, said, “Sure, the Trump/Vance team is polling well against any of our Strong Independent Women, but we expect to do very well in Memory Care Units, prisons, and graveyards, so don’t get too cocky.”

In other news, Benjamin Netanyahu got a 20-minute standing ovation in Congress after members of Shayetet 13 (the elite IDF Equivalent of the Navy Seals, one member of which is our cousin’s husband) had only to stand quietly at attention next to The Squad and Bernie Sanders to make the little cowards shut up for the first time in decades, if not their lives. Photographers were able to snap the only known picture of Rashida with her big flappin’ mouth SHUT in a pouty grimace of pure hate.

So dynamic, reasonable, and convincing was Netanyahu that Joe Biden himself lurched onto the Senate floor and pledged “a gazillion trillion dollars” in weaponry for just the customary 10 percent Big Guy kickback! Naturally, it being Israeli negotiators, some haggling ensued and they got him down to 8.5 percent, so everybody went home happy.

Sharon Stone, a modestly talented older actress, has announced her plans to leave the country if Trump and Vance win! In case you don’t remember who she is, her real claim to fame was a movie role in which the lead investigator in a crime for which she was a suspect had carnal relations with her – did I mention, she was a SUSPECT? – happens all the time, as any LEO will tell you – and then sat around in the police station showing off her nether regions without proper undergarments. No, really. Apparently, her mother did not warn her about having clean underwear, or ANY underwear, in case of a car accident. Or an arrest.

As Sharon packs her belongings, poor Rachel Maddow is preparing to be taken away to a reeducation camp. And Chrissy Teigen is terrified that Trump will take vengeance on HER just because she called him – her words! – “a p***y A$$ B***h”. Can you even get your head around the self-importance of someone who thinks for one New York minute that Trump cares about her except for envy at the sheer cleverness of that remark? To recall a great line from Cheers, spoken by Frasier Crane as he hears some bar drunks talking: “Ah, shades of the Algonquin Roundtable!”

Chrissy and Rachel and Sharon can rest easy knowing that NOBODY – not one single “PAB” in Chrissy’s parlance — who threatened to leave over Bush or Trump has ever left.

Before my column next week: Guam tips over, Hank Johnson validated at last; Finland invades Taiwan, surprising the heck out of China; John Daly comes out as gay; Admiral Rachel transitions back and wants to be called Admiral Bubba Joe; oh, and it will be hot in Arizona, yes hotter than ever ever ever before, well into triple digits. We MUST stop using plastic straws, people, stop eating and driving and encouraging cow flatulence or Arizona will be HOT.