High-Energy Particles and Low-Energy Government

In today’s science news, scientists have announced the discovery of the most energetic neutrino ever:

Astrophysicists have observed the most energetic neutrino ever. The particle — which probably came from a distant galaxy — was spotted by the Cubic Kilometre Neutrino Telescope (KM3NeT), a collection of light-detecting glass spheres on the floor of the Mediterranean Sea, on 13 February 2023. Researchers monitoring the telescope did not notice the detection until early 2024, when they completed the first analysis of their data. . .

Neutrinos are electrically neutral particles more than one million times lighter than an electron. They are typically produced in nuclear reactions such as those at the centre of the Sun, from which they emerge with energies on the order of millions of electronvolts (10⁶ eV). But for more than 10 years, researchers have been recording neutrinos carrying unprecedented energies of up to several quadrillion electronvolts (10¹⁵ eV, or 1 petaelectronvolt), which are thought to originate in distant galaxies. (The most energetic particle ever detected, at 320,000 PeV, was not a neutrino but a cosmic ray dubbed the Oh-My-God particle.)

Forget the Oh-My-God particle: I propose this new neutrino be named the “Elon Musk particle,” and that all future measurements of energy be based on EMPUs, for Elon Musk Particle Units. Has there ever been a single figure putting so much “energy in the executive,” to use Hamilton’s famous phrase?

Contrast this with the previous scientific discovery of the heaviest element in the known universe:

SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known. The new element, governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, according to the team of research scientists in Budapest, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, governmentium becomes administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.