Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll is ON STRIKE! She’s bringing the battle home to Power Line. She writes:

It has come to my attention that all four bloggers on Power Line are pale males. Surely something must be wrong with that. I hope at least one of them is thinking of becoming transgendered. Sadly, the adorable names Chelsea and Caitlyn are already taken. Whereas the PL Boys are fine male specimans all, as females, I’m picturing them more as Berthas, Hildas or Mabels (not that these aren’t also fine names).

Every time I try to open a new jar of peanut butter I am reminded that I am a grrrll, and that, because of my puny upper body strength, pathetically-low testosterone, plus the whole historical oppression deal, I am therefore entitled to Special Victim Status. It is not enough that you let me play in your reindeer games every Friday. More must be done. Always more. With the perpetually aggrieved, nothing is ever enough.

Inspired by the student ninnies at various asylums of higher learning, here are my demands:

1. Immediate upgrade to VIP Status. Enough already with the pop-ups. In fact, upgrade ALL women commenters! We have suffered enough from various uninvited pop-ups.

2. Acknowledgment of your white male privilege deal. Blah, blah, blah badly-written imperialist something. Blah, blah, blah racist, sexist, homophobic whatever gibberish. No need to list specific sins. You’re all married guys, right? Vague amorphous guilt is sufficient. All husbands learn early that they must have done SOMETHING they should be feeling bad about.

3. A groveling apology for not leaving my column in the first position for a minimum of four hours every Friday. Heck, sometimes it’s not even there for four minutes. What’s up with that? I wake up in Arizona at 6 a.m. and find that I’m already in the 3rd slot. Do you think another Muslim terrorist attack is more important than a humor column? As if! It’s because I’m a grrrll, isn’t it? Admit it.

4. No more soccer, Paul. Why? Because I don’t like it. And I’m from an historically-oppressed gender. Game over, side out, as you folks say. And some teams have offensive names that make me feel unsafe. Arsenal – are you kidding? Talk about a triggering word! Manchester United? Doesn’t being “united” imply that one’s multiculti differences are discounted? Might as well call it Manchester Hateful.

5. Inclusiveness is so important. Creating a safe space for the delicate ladies. Let’s incorporate a recipe exchange, camo fashion tips, and possibly a long list of distressing medical symptoms for notorious hypochondriacs to check daily. Not that I know any.

6. All of you smartasses, but Steve in particular, must check with me in advance to make sure you don’t post something funnier than I have prepared for Friday. Commenters are not exempt. Avoid one-upping the columnist with more humorous comments. It can be hurtful and cause a columnist to call the police as we are urged to do by college administrators whose obvious insanity doesn’t mean they don’t sometimes receive perfectly good ideas through their dental fillings, tinfoil hats, or Son of Sam’s dog.

7. Speaking of Steve’s Week in Pictures, he frequently fails to include a sufficient number of attractive guys with guns as well as the hot ladies. He features far too many cisnormative semi-clad women which can cause deep and hurtful feelings of inadequacy, even when we are pretty sure we could outshoot the hotties. Don’t make me dial 9-1-1 again. I’m beginning to suspect my local police department is not even taking me seriously. Especially when they put me on speakerphone and say, “You have GOT to hear this…”

8. All expenses paid trip to the next NRA Convention in Louisville in May. Also included on the free trip will be the winners of a contest to see which lucky three gun-friendly commenters can say the most flattering things about my work. Contestants, please include pictures. Of your favorite guns. Will write a subsequent 10-part series of NRA columns upon return. No? Okay, how about 2 commenters and 2 columns? Just me? Listen, guys, I need something FREE here. If not a Harvard education, how ’bout an NRA T-shirt?

9. Please respond to these demands within 24-48 hours. Or later, if you’re busy. Though, be advised that since I don’t fly, I will need to start driving to Louisville pretty soon.

(Seriously, dear readers, per efforts already underway from others, please join the NRA today, or upgrade or donate. It’s very very important. And you get a great magazine. Though I’m a Sig Grrrll myself, the Kimber ads alone are worth it, many suitable for framing.)