Ammo Grrrll has filed this special edition of her regular column with the explanation: “I regret to inform loyal readers that I could be moving to New York soon to take a position on the editorial board of the New York Times. My interview, which was advertised as a ‘haterview,’ was taped and I will share the unredacted transcript with you. Hey, we all fudge a tiny bit on our CVs, so you may notice some small discrepancies in my bio. Keep your fingers crossed for me, as it is quite the plum job!” She provides this transcript of MY NYT INTERVIEW:
HRPerson: I’m so glad you could come in today, Ms. Kim. I see your first name is “Stands With a Mic,” is that correct?
Me: Yes, that is correct. Stands With a Mic is my Indian name from my mother, Sits Fatly Eating Fry Bread, and Kim is my last name, sadly the oppressive, patriarchal name from my adoptive father. I hate all men, it goes without saying, but this does give me a choice as a woman of color between red and yellow.
HR: Of course. Red and yellow are both primary colors with a lot of verve. And yet, you look less like a Native American or Korean than I had expected from your resume, though now I hear you tell me you are Korean by adoption.
Me: Do you have any idea how racist that is? Or how hurtful? Any idea at all?
HR: I am abjectly sorry. I can grovel. Please forgive me and I beg you not to tell Pinch or Pudge or Pimp or Paunch. (18 minute gap in tape while HR interviewer composes xerself. We’ll skip ahead…) So, then, your family on your mother’s side is Native American?
Me: Absolutely. My family loves fry bread. I mean, who wouldn’t, right? It’s bread. And it’s FRIED!! And I remember hearing the family stories around the kitchen table about my great-grandma Svetlana O’Hooligan being an Indian.
HR: I see. Because she had high cheekbones?
Me: No, Diabetes. She MAY have also had high cheekbones, but she weighed 450 lbs, so who could tell? She had pretty high jowls as I recall.
HR: I just love Indians. And if you say you are one, who am I to argue? Do you have a favorite spirit animal?
Me: Yes. For some, it’s a turtle or timber wolf. For me, it’s the giraffe. A tall, thin vegan whose thighs don’t touch – what’s not to like?! Such an inspiration to the short, squatty, carnivore with a thigh rash in sweaty weather. Not that any such person should ever be body-shamed.
HR: Isn’t that the truth? Well, I could just talk cool Indian stuff all day. But, I have to confess that I also expected you to be – how should I put this without inviting a lawsuit? – younger. Since you’re just a genius on social media.
Me: What makes you think I am not (making parentheses signs) “young”?
HR: I am looking right at you. Also, you state here that you graduated from high school in 1964. I didn’t even know they HAD high school in 1964.
Me: Two points. One, I HATED high school, which sucked, so that’s all good. And two, math is just a tool of the white oppressor to keep us women of color down. ‘64, ‘95, what difference does it really make any more? It’s all just racist numbers. Which I HATE. And which suck.
HR: The person we are looking for to write with extreme vervocity about technology and social media does have to have a modicum of technical knowledge, certainly.
Me: I have somewhere between a “modicum” and an “iota.” On good days, a “smidgen.”
HR: Excellent. But mostly, it’s all about the hate here at the Times. What else do you hate?
Me: What do I HATE? I am such a hateful hating hater that I even use naughty words!
I EFFING HATE EFFING WHITE PEOPLE, WHO SUCK.
I HATE COPS WHO ARE ALL A**HOLES
I HATE WHITE COPS
I HATE WHITE MEN (who don’t even COUNT as people), AND ALL MEN; KILL THEM ALL
I HATE PEOPLE WHO SMELL WHITE
I HATE AMERICA
I REALLY REALLY HATE EFFING DONALD TRUMP. HE SUCKS.
I HATE THE TOOTHLESS MARRIED WHITE HAGS WHO VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP
I HATE SNOW BECAUSE IT IS WHITE
I HATE COTTON BALLS, DITTO
I HATE WHITE BABIES WHO GROW UP TO BE WHITE PEOPLE
I HATE WHITE DOGS WHO SMELL LIKE WET WHITE PEOPLE
I HATE WHITE HISPANICS
I HATE WHITE RUSSIANS
I HATE IVORY SOAP AND MARSHMALLOWS
I HATE TYPING PAPER
I HATE WHITE NOISE
HR: That is a great list…
Me: I’m not done yet…
HR: Well, we only scheduled an hour for this interview. We just have to check your Twitter account to make sure you didn’t say anything hateful about Valerie Jarrett, peace be upon her. Or any homophobia, unless you’re also black. You aren’t black too, are you?
Me: No, I am definitely a woman of color, but that color is mostly red, yellow, and pinkish-beige. But my middle name is Joy. Isn’t it funny how ironic some names can be? All the Joys I know are rabidly unjoyful, kind of like fat guys who are called “Tiny”.
HR: I can’t promise until we see other applicants, but it’s looking very good.
Notice: All comments are subject to moderation. Our comments are intended to be a forum for civil discourse bearing on the subject under discussion. Commenters who stray beyond the bounds of civility or employ what we deem gratuitous vulgarity in a comment — including, but not limited to, “s***,” “f***,” “a*******,” or one of their many variants — will be banned without further notice in the sole discretion of the site moderator.