Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll sees a SEINFELD EPISODE COME TO LIFE. She writes:

One of the more hilarious episodes of the great Seinfeld sit-com involved Kramer signing up for karate in a class of kids. Amazingly, this 6’3” tall, testosterone-laden adult was able to win every sparring session against the tykes. It was played for laughs and (spoiler alert for reruns) he got his righteous compeuppance in the end. I doubt any viewer rooted for him or ever thought a grown man should actually take any pleasure from beating up on pre-teens half his size. Not so fast!

We could not have predicted the phenomenon of marginal male athletes taking great pleasure in spoiling every women’s competition by pretending to be women, perhaps even taking some, but not all, steps in that direction. Plug-ugly “ladies” took weight-lifting trophies, sadists beat women to a pulp in MMA, and in everything from wrestling to swimming, men masquerading as women prevailed in a disgrace to the very intention of Title IX.

Most famously, we have Lia Thomas, college swimming champion, competing against actual women. Lia is a lovely woman, feminine in every way except for arms like an orangutan, big muscular shoulders, and his big, swinging appendage which Lia delights in parading through the locker room. I have been in many a female gym class in North-Central Minnesota and never once encountered a naked [Richard]. It would have led to immediate arrest, not to mention a possible beat-down by a lot of enraged and sturdy farm girls who were definitely more capable of enforcing Title IX than the current cowardly squishes in the United States government.

But those were the bigoted old days before the Enlightened among us informed us that simply “identifying” as something you were not could win you trophies, and leapfrog you to the head of the line in the Entitlement Olympics. Big-shots who do not even know what a “woman” is are nonetheless confident they do know that if a man says he IS one, he is free to compete as one.

Well, move over Lia. There’s a new girl in town: Ricci Tres, 29 year old Navy vet (!?) and skateboard “champion” who is pleased as punch, I dare say, PROUD to defeat his next closest competitor, a 13-year-old girl, and yes, even one little 10-year-old, who came in fifth. Here is a man, three years past his sell-by date to still be on Mommy and Daddy’s insurance and he is competing at skateboarding with little girls in some cases a third his age.

Ponder that for a moment. Can you imagine the Christmas brag-sheet his Mommy could send out? (Important Proviso: I know nothing about Ricci’s parents…they could be opposed to his whole shtick and be perfectly fine people who are mortified. This is pure speculation for the purpose of comedic parody, nothing more.)

Dear Friends,

Imagine how proud we are of Ricci. We were dubious when he told us about his desire to “transition,” but now we see all the benefits of that. I know I’m his mother, but doesn’t he make a much cuter girl than that unattractive Dr. Levine, who somehow got to be an Admiral? My Ricci has actually been in the Navy! Can’t Rachel do something better with her hair at least?

Ricci has always been good at skateboarding. She wanted to compete in the Olympics and faithfully ingested a lot of hormones in order to qualify in the Women’s Division. Darn it all, she was just barely over the legal limit of icky testosterone to qualify and so began to prepare to compete in the Girls and Toddlers Division of the Boardr Open Skateboarding Tournament.

And – as you may have heard since it’s all over the Internet – she WON!! Woo-hoo! True, the little 10-year-old crybaby who came in fifth tried to make her feel bad, but Ricci is impervious to that, saying to the press, “I’m not going to go and be easy on them because they’re kids” [real actual quote]. Darn right! You go girl!

My Ricci insists that her only possible advantage as a 29-year-old born-male person is her “determination” which “anybody can have.” Even little snot-nosed sore loser fifth graders! So suck it up, Buttercup, and get more determined!

I am thrilled to announce that next year, Ricci plans to enter the Little Miss competition, with skateboarding as her talent. She identifies as a toddler and we have filed a lawsuit to eliminate the silly, arbitrary age limit. We are confident that “The Big Guy” in the White House who is sitting at a 6% Approval Rating and looking ANYWHERE he can to find a few stray votes, will be totally down with that, especially when he is promised to be a Judge of the competition. We can only hope that he doesn’t hyperventilate and pass out while sniffing all those little cuties.

So that’s the news from our home to yours and wishing you a Very Merry Christmas.

The Tres Family

As for me, inspired by Ms. Tres’s raw courage in breaking through the surly bonds of decency and fair play, I am happy to announce that I am entering the Junior Chef Cooking Competition – Five-year-old Division – and, I fully expect to win! I have already found a shelf for my trophy. While the kiddies are whipping up their adorable chocolate chip cookies and S’Mores, I plan to wow the judges with a 10-course meal: three different appetizers, a complicated soup, one fish, one meat and one vegan entree, a salad and 2 desserts. It’s not that I have 60 years of cooking experience, it’s just my determination to win. Yeah, that’s the ticket…

I have a dream. That someday the lunatics will go quietly back into an asylum and the normies will put a stop to the erasure of actual women and girls. All kidding aside, it’s really quite frightening. We are females and we’re still here. We are the ones who do not need to have our Adam’s apples pared down. With rare exceptions, we don’t wear size 13 high heels and we have two X chromosomes in every cell in our bodies. And every single one of you poseurs has an X and a Y. We are females – most straight, some gay – we exist and we matter.

And now I have to go practice my Baked Alaska for the Kiddie Competition. For my second dessert, I can’t decide between a 7-layer cake or a double-crust pie. Thoughts?