Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll invites us to PICTURE THIS. She writes:

Hollywood and The Internet love lists and competitions. Every year People magazine crowns some man as “The Most Handsome Man in the World” and puts his picture on the cover. Sometimes I find the man reasonably attractive – though rarely armed and usually not manly or old enough for my taste – and sometimes I say out loud right there in the checkout line: “Are you kidding me? Mr. AG is much cuter than him!” Sometimes people behind me will move to another line even if there are elderly women in it with lots of coupons and checkbooks.

Now (Hat Tip: Ace of Spades), a couple weeks ago, along comes a clickbait list from an outfit called Buzznet of the 30 Most Beautiful Women in the World. Yes! The whole world!

When I saw that Hillary Clinton had come in at #6 – in the world, remember! — I excitedly checked the rest of the list to see if I was on it. If Hillary was #6, it seemed equally likely that I had also made the cut! What a day-maker THAT would have been!

Alas, it was not to be. Which is probably just as well, as I understand that the paparazzi are a big problem for the very beautiful. And you aren’t allowed to just shoot them (either the very beautiful OR the paparazzi). It turns out it isn’t even legal to beat paparazzi up as some people have discovered too late.

Now I happen to believe that Hillary was a terrible candidate because she is a terrible person, with terrible ideas delivered in a terribly boring manner, but not because she is unattractive. I think she is a perfectly acceptable looking older woman, but for the love of Pete, she is NOT nohow, no way, the 6th most beautiful woman in the world.

In fact, looking around the supermarket in my Dusty Little Village the day that news came out, I saw at least ten “ordinary” women just pushing carts of carbs down the aisle who were much better looking than Hillary. And that supermarket was Walmart.

Walmart is not famous for beautiful women. The Internet routinely posts photographs of unfortunate-looking, inappropriately-clad Walmart shoppers for the amusement of mean people who like to feel superior to others, especially fat or poor people.

Mother Teresa and Eleanor Roosevelt were not pretty either, so what? Looks are not everything in life, but if that’s what the list purports to rank, then looks are what should count. Not even to mention that there is a wide gap between the categories of “average,” “cute,” “pretty” and BEAUTIFUL. That’s a very high bar.

If you want to make a list of “insanely-driven” women, or “influential women” or more accurately, “women who peddle influence,” then Hillary could be placed high on those lists. But beautiful? Come ON. A list of “most beautiful” that puts Hillary on it and pointedly leaves off First Lady Melania is dishonest right out of the box. I know very little about Melania, but there is one darn good-looking woman.

So where do I think I might belong on a list of World’s Most Beautiful Women? This will be a totally unscientific “ballpark” stab, my picky friends, recognizing that (1) there are lots of babies and children in the female population who wouldn’t count as women and (2) I dropped Statistics in college because I was failing. Twice. Feel free to do your own math. If there are 7.5 billion people in the world, and half are female, and I consider myself “average,” I may be the 1.87 billionth best-looking woman in the world. Give or take. Woohoo!! Talk about the ultimate Participation Trophy!

Of course, so much of that “competition” would be not just the babies and adolescents mentioned above, but all women unfairly younger than me. Once you limit the contest to the Late, Late, Middle Age category, I do considerably better. I have noticed that sometimes in restaurants, particularly all-you-can-eat buffets, I have achieved the coveted status of “Least Overweight Woman My Age in the Room”.

So confining the pool just to Lady Baby Boomers, AND if I lost the last #@&* ten pounds I have lost at least forty times, I could move up many notches to, say, fifty-millionth best-looking woman. Though what possible difference that would make in my very happy, blessed life I cannot say. I know that with Carole Lombard deceased and Scarlett Johansson not available, that I am at least #6 on Mr. AG’s list and that is enough for me.

I feel quite confident that with Buzznet’s ideologically-driven list of 30 ladies, I can type faster and shoot more accurately than any of them. So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice. Hopefully, I’m funnier too, except for Hilarious Hillary, who, as we saw on the campaign trail, brought the house down with that knee-slapper “Deplorable” routine. And who can forget: “Did you wipe your server?” “You mean, like, with a cloth?” Hooboy, that’s comedy gold!

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