Ammo Grrrll gives us laughter in the time of Coronavirus in THE WOEFUL WUHAN BLUES – Week 1. She writes:
Last week, when I thought we were talking about 14 days of voluntary quarantining, I outlined how I was prepared to live on what I had in my freezer and pantry for six to eight weeks. That still seems pretty accurate. And then my President blurted out that this could continue until late summer or early fall! Quoi? The stock market went into freefall and the grocery store parking lots filled up like my ankles in the eighth month of pregnancy.
On Monday, I UPSed twelve rolls of toilet paper to my son and his family in St. Paul, MN. My son had been on a two-day quest to find extra rolls and he had returned home as despondent as a deer hunter who had failed to bag his 10-point buck. My beautiful and creative daughter-in-law says she knows how to make paper and she will soon turn her superpowers to the manufacture of boutique toilet paper. Like Donna Summer, “We Will Survive”!
I ventured into my local Bashas grocery store which resembled either Venezuela or a 7-11 Store in Florida when a hurricane is already at Cat 5. The shoppers looked like they were on a festive field trip from an insane asylum – many wearing colorful long-sleeved rubber gloves, dousing themselves in sanitizer after putting each item in their baskets. Mind you, in the entire state of Arizona – not one of your smaller states geographically — as of this writing, there were 20 people with COVID-19, 5 in one family, and no deaths. That’s no, none, nada, bupkis. We were probably all in much graver danger from the plague of wrong-way drivers in AZ than from the COVID-19 plague. Not that I don’t take this all seriously.
Every paper good that could possibly be pressed into service as toilet tissue was gone, including paper towels, napkins, and The Arizona Republic. From there, the choices frantic consumers were making struck me as somewhat random and whimsical. All the eggs were gone; all the potatoes were gone; most meat was gone and canned goods were seriously picked over. The “Asian and Hispanic” aisle was as bare as a Code Pink fattie protesting whatever gave xer the excuse to flop around naked again.
The only tortillas in sight were either gluten-free, whole wheat, or made of some inappropriate ingredients like spinach or garbanzo beans. And there were darn few even of those.
By some miracle, I found every single item I sought on this trip! A couple cleaning products, precious green bananas, a loaf of bread, yogurt and cottage cheese. And later, at Walmart, two forty-pound bags of softener salt.
Evidently, the motto of my fellow Arizonans is “Death by Starvation Before Turkey Bacon,” so I loaded up on three pounds of it. Sure it tastes like Bandaids, but if you crisp it enough in olive oil it is almost edible. After several decades, we are used to it. Hebrew National Hot Dogs sat alone on their shelf and called my name.
To my surprise, fresh fruits and vegetables were well stocked, except for the aforementioned potatoes. The shoppers sprinted right past the broccoli, asparagus and arugula. Maybe because fresh food wouldn’t last long enough for the grimly determined shoppers’ purposes. And maybe because it turns out people like Mashed Potatoes better than Mashed Cauliflower, never mind that they are both white. It’s fooling nobody. One is a creamy delicious treat and one a hideous disappointment.
Stuff with an expiration date well into next year was much prized and one young (by my standards) man was near-orgasmic to find three large cans of Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and Meatballs. (Talk about a product that can make Turkey Bacon seem delish by comparison!)
Bread flour sat on the shelf, as did many things from which a cook can make other things. Evidently, many people cannot or do not wish to cook and rely almost exclusively on fast food, canned food, and mixes. I feel well suited to this kind of an ordeal for two reasons: one, cooking is one of my six discernible skills; and two, I know how to “be poor” and thank God for that.
Some people -– my dear late mother comes to mind — are born poor and struggle mightily to overcome. But my husband and I were both born into the solid middle class and, through a variety of stupid life decisions (not even including substance abuse), managed to ACHIEVE near-poverty for many of our early years! It’s great training for going through tough times. And makes you really appreciate your re-entry into the middle class.
The Holiest Day of the Jewish Year is The Day of Atonement – Yom Kippur. It is a Fast Day (oh, it’s not “Fast” in the sense of SPEEDY; it lasts nearly forever), rather, it is a day of reflection and self-denial in which, for 25 hours, the penitent has no food or water. I mention it because our Minnesota synagogue had a custom of donating the equivalent of what we would have eaten in three meals to the food shelves. A huge semi was parked in front of the synagogue from Second Harvest, and routinely loaded several TONS of food for the poor from our 750 families of congregants. But one of the caveats we got every year was that the food had to be virtually instant, with minimal reading of directions for preparation. Sad.
So, Wuhan Blues, Week One is in the can with very little difference in my life so far. However, once we get to go to a restaurant again, I am going to leave a spectacular tip in wild appreciation. Max Cossack, famous novelist, is about to notice the difference big time as our Gated Geezerville has closed until further notice the entire clubhouse which includes the outdoor pool and his gym. I offered to locate the 10-lb dumbbells I bought with misplaced optimism after my shoulder injury and he just looked at me. “Honey, I do curls with 80 lbs of weight, and even that is not very impressive for a man.” Oh. Well then we won’t even mention my 5-lb weights. In my defense, I do 4 sets of 14 reps three times a week. That has to count for something, doesn’t it? As in “better than nothing?” At 73? I just want to continue to be able to rack my slide.
Well, if we can’t go to bars or restaurants, every conceivable entertainment is cancelled, how to put a little joy into the next several weeks? I baked several loaves of challah (braided sweet bread for the Sabbath) and also made a Coconut Cream Pie. I think I will make a pie or a cake a week and see if I can’t gain another 10 pounds, just in case this pestilence really does last until – are you KIDDING, Mr. President?? – SEPTEMBER?
While others fight over the Charmin, and shower in Purell, I will be the smart one storing up fat for the long haul. You can’t be too careful. Who’s WITH me???
