The Banality of Howard Schultz

Howard Schultz, the putative independent candidate for president, actually tweeted this out yesterday:

Seriously? This prompted me to offer to be his speechwriter, since I can easily produce more gems like: “Together, we can go our separate ways, regretting today what we didn’t do yesterday, but will surely do tomorrow!”

It is apparent that Schultz is going for the Roderick Spode vote—Spode being the P.G. Wodehouse parody of a fascist populist who uttered inanities such as: “The only thing that stands between us and victory, is defeat!” As Bertie Wooster patiently explained to Spode:

“The trouble with you, Spode, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you’re someone. You hear them shouting “Heil, Spode!” and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer. What the Voice of the People is saying is: “Look at that frightful ass Spode swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?”

But why stop with Spode? I can see P.G. Wodehouse equivalents for most of the Democratic field, with several contenders for the Aunt Agatha role (certainly Elizabeth Warren, but also Kamala Harris for sure). Something like this:

Gov. Jay Inslee: The Gussie Fink-Nottle candidate.

Gov. John Hickenlooper: Actually, his name sounds like it came from a Wodehouse novel, so he’s disqualified.

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard: The Madeline Bassett candidate.

Rep. Beto O’Rourke: The Boko Fittleworth candidate.

Bernie Sanders: The Roderick Glossop candidate.

Cory Booker: The Harold “Stinker Pinker” candidate.

Pete Buttigieg: The Bingo Little candidate.

Joe Biden: The Catsmeat Potter-Pirbright candidate.

Additional nominations welcome.


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