Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll has a modest proposal in the form of JUNIOR YEAR IN HELL. She writes:

I have recently seen a poll in which the majority of millennials claim to want to live under socialism. Bully for them, and don’t let the door hit you in the bum on the way out, kiddies. One of my favorite comedians back in the day was a (then) young man named Jake Johannsen. And one of my favorite lines of his was “I live in California now, but I grew up in Iowa. I was 21 before I realized I was…free to go.” Well, guess what, guys? You are not only free to leave Iowa (even you, Dave Begley!) you are free to get the heck out of the entire country! You can leave here on the next plane and try your hand at North Korea or Venezuela. Take a rickety raft to Cuba. There must be at least one used raft lying around in Florida.

See, one of the easiest ways to tell which countries are good and which countries are the President’s inelegantly but accurately expressed “s***holes” is to ask yourself “which countries have walls to protect their borders from invasion and which countries have walls to PREVENT their own people from leaving?” Many young people won’t understand that difference until they desperately want to leave but find that they can’t. This really couldn’t be simpler. But our miseducated youth who got all their post-college news from Jon Stewart have no idea of what life under socialism is like.

I propose we organize a new public program called “Junior Year in Hell” for all these idealistic socialists. Out of mercy, we will start by assigning just the morbidly-obese drop-outs from Michelle Obama’s All-Arugula School Lunch Program to North Korea.

Armed with their starry-eyed dreams plus the Collected Works of Kim Il Sung, a Dennis Rodman t-shirt in 3XL, and a manual on how to forage for and prepare grass, the plucky but delicate millennials can begin a life of service to Dear Leader. Remember, comrades, you may make no eye contact with others; only look down. That’s where you might find grass, anyway, or possibly a lizard for dinner. Should they be able to avoid serving as a modern-day Donner Party for the starving Norks, they could return healthier than when they left. Assuming Orange Man Bad can get them freed.

Ah, but I hear the little spittle-flying loudmouth yet fragile darlings say, “No, no, we don’t mean an icky POOR country where they only have jeans that are torn because they are OLD and RAGGEDY, not because they are cool and expensive. We mean like, you know, like in Switzerland or Sweden, or Norway or something. Whatever.”

Yes, whatever, indeed.

Okay, how about Venezuela? Lots of really important celebrities and all the cool kids in the Senate lunchroom raved on and on back in the day about how wonderful Venezuela was.

If you fly to Caracas to live, may we suggest that you bring a “support animal” with you on the plane. Oh, not a dog for EMOTIONAL support. We mean a more substantial animal for PHYSICAL support. The Venezuelan people have had it up to here with Shank of Dog and Fricassee of Zoo Animals. For that reason, we suggest your Support Animal be a large steer or a flock of chickens. Don’t worry about the airlines – they are, like, totally cool with Support Animals, even when somebody’s Support Snake bites her seatmate. The legal system is currently geared to favor the clinically insane and corporate entities are loath to offend anyone in that protected category, which is why middle-aged men in lipstick are free to potty in the same restroom as little girls in Target.

Now one thing you should know is that when you get to Venezuela, there is an excellent chance that your Support Animal livestock will be stolen. Excuse me. “Stolen” is such an ugly and judgmental word. We mean to say “expropriated” or “confiscated” or “redistributed,” as Candidate Obama explained in a rare candid response to an innocent question from Joe the Plumber in a late campaign stop in Ohio. Whoa, doggies! Obama’s handlers were not at all happy he had gone off the “Hope and Change” message to inadvertently mention he planned to steal from the productive to give to the slackers. Color Joe surprised when minutes after his simple question, there was an anal probe into every area of his life.

Meanwhile, back in Venezuela: When your Support Animal stash is either stolen or just eaten up, you will be dependent on the Maduro government for food. No problem, just remember never to say a critical word and you, too, may get twelve daily grains of rice and 3 beans. For Heaven’s sake, do NOT wear a t-shirt that says: “Hey, Venezuela, suck it up; you guys VOTED for this!”

Socialism is really the ultimate form of greed. Oh, the big bad capitalists are always being accused of being greedy. Coming up with a world-changing idea – like Amazon or Spanx – and getting incredibly rich, paying the salaries of thousands of people is “greedy” in LeftWorld. TAKING stuff from the ones who earned it is “fair.” You betcha.

President Obama once queried aloud, “At some point shouldn’t people just say that they have enough?” We are on the same page here, Barry. The concept of “contentment” is very important to me. Our income stream and life savings are modest, but plenty. One of the ways to have “more” is to want less. Even if I won the lottery tomorrow, which seems unlikely since I don’t play it, except for having fun giving it away, there’s not one thing I crave or need. I wouldn’t even trade in my beloved 6-year-old Hyundai Sonata.

Oh, I might want to purchase that gorgeous white and navy sheath our beautiful First Lady wore in England, if it comes in size Pudgy Munchkin, but substituting cowboy boots and a “Girls Just Wanna Have Guns” ballcap for the elegant white hat and stilettos, is just not going to have the same impact.

But, Barry, are there no mirrors in your new mega-mansion? Wikipedia says the Obamas are now worth $40 million, which I think is an underestimate by many orders of magnitude, but, good to know that they won’t be digging through dumpsters for their arugula. That’s quite an impressive haul for “public service.” Commie Fidel had $300 million, the relatives and hangers-on of every tinpot dictator the world over — whether the late unlamented Yasser Arafat or Hugo Chavez’s relatives — are richer than almost everyone but Jeff Bezos, and at least he worked for his.

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