Thoughts from the ammo line

When Ammo Grrrll refers to LYING FOR A LIVING, you know she has (mostly) moved on from the subject of stand-up comedy. She writes:

When I began thinking about this topic, I intended it to be mostly about the leftist narrative, politicians, and their handmaidens of both sexes in the media. And it still will be – mostly. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized what an astonishing portion of our everyday encounters are built on lies and deception! And I’m not even counting the article I just read in a ladies’ magazine which promises I can lose 30 pounds by Thanksgiving!

Life in the small Minnesota town I grew up in was pretty honest and straightforward. People still did deals with a handshake. And about the most dishonest thing one neighbor lady did was routinely omit a key ingredient in recipes she gave out so nobody’s dish would ever turn out as good as hers.

Perhaps I first realized it was a “Big Fat Liar” culture when, as young marrieds, we searched the Chicago newspaper ads for a cheap apartment. When we found something in our “price range” — $100 a month or less, which was still 25% of our income! – it turned out not to be “clean” or “cozy” as described in the ad. Other “c” words leapt to mind: “Claustrophobic,” “crumbling,” as well as “convenient to cockroaches.” Sigh. Neither did it live up to its billing as “efficient,” but it was on the fourth floor, so marginally less likely to be burgled. Every cloud has a silver lining. Oh, did you surmise we took a pass on it? Heck no, we were poor. We lived there.

So ad writers are, if not liars, at least fantasists. Which is probably true of most salespeople in general, used car dealers being most stereotypically slandered. I have respect bordering on awe for a good salesman, perhaps because I am such an easy mark. Unless I bring a large male “advisor,” I end up slapping my forehead like Homer Simpson, saying “Doh!”

My old boss Dudley Riggs, impresario of the venue I performed in for 7 years, said, “Susan, you’d have the same chance at a new car dealership as a nekkid woman on a tramp steamer with a Turkish crew.” See if you can count all the ways in which that statement goes wrong in today’s humorless cancel culture. Bonus points for mentioning the word “car” which is so offensive it could make lunatics glue their own hands to the floor!

Back before the repulsive kneeling during the anthem Joe and I enjoyed football many times a week. We got a particular kick out of the beer ads which promoted the idea that if you drank a lot of the right beer, you would not only be forever young and lithe, but blonde Swedish women in bikinis would fall right out of the sky. Alternatively, when it was “Miller Time” you might go to a friendly multiracial bar with a bunch of other hard-working male models whose six-packs were in their abs and not in their trucks to tide them over on the drive home.

Even professions involving women who are reputed to have “hearts of gold” are not entirely trustworthy – hard as that is to believe! That cute stripper does NOT like you personally, just your wallet. I have known two naive guys who made the fatal mistake of marrying a stripper. (Not the same stripper.) Prepare to be shocked, but neither marriage lasted a year. Sad.

Neither are comics perfect in the Prevarication Department. It COULD happen that a comedian exaggerates somewhat for comedic effect. No, really. Plus, almost everything that has ever happened to a comedian has happened “recently.” Oh, last week I told you about being seated next to Leno on a plane, a 100 percent true story – this guy in the window seat put down the newspaper (remember those?) covering his face and it was Leno! I dang near fainted. But I forgot to tell you that I actually made Jay laugh. He was vaguely aware of my existence through other Minnesota comics. Later I got to open for him in a St. Paul concert.

I said, “God forbid this plane goes down, it will be just like Buddy Holly! Richie Valens and The Big Bopper were ALSO on the plane and nobody cared. It was all about Buddy Holly. So, if we crash, it will be all about Jay Leno and some woman comic nobody’s ever heard of.”

But on to politicians. You’ve got the Lyingest Liar of All Time, Joe Biden, who just makes up whatever comes to what’s left of his mind. No, he doesn’t “stutter,” that’s a lie, and no, it isn’t just dementia, though that unmentionable “D” word is definitely in the mix. He has told tall tales about his Walter Mitty-like life for decades.

Fearless Dispatcher of Cornpop, Top of his Law Class, IQ higher than YOURS, pal! Push-up King! Star Quarterback who only declined an appointment to the Naval Academy because of his understandable reluctance to compete with Roger Staubach. And still just humble Joe from Scranton with the furry legs that kiddies liked to stroke at the pool. He was a Lifeguard despite the “childhood asthma” that kept him out of the service during Vietnam. Curious.

And then there’s Kamala who believes that lying is “A-OK” if it’s a debate. And she doesn’t even have her feet held to the fire on that by the hopeless hack Colbert. She is astonished to be called to account for any previous statement that worked for her at the time. When reminded that she called Biden a “racist” during the primaries, she howled with laughter and disbelief: “It was a DEBATE!” she screamed, like that, like, totally, ended the discussion. Oh. Em. Gee, you guys, cackle, cackle, cackle! This is a grown woman.

And the unfunny, vulgar Colbert never said, “So were you lying THEN when you said he was a racist, or are you lying NOW when you claim he isn’t?” Or, “So, in your opinion, it’s okay to lie if you’re in a debate?” Hahaha. I kid journalists and talk show hosts. They dare not stray from the approved narrative if they wish to keep their jobs. Remember the old SNL character “Mr. Loopner” who was “born without a spine”? Journalists WISH they had the fortitude of Mr. Loopner.

Moving on to another Woman of Color. Remember Donna Brazile – longtime Democratic loyalist and leader? She’s the one who gave the 2016 debate questions to Hillary. When caught, she maxed out every Intersectional Card she carries: “Who ME? I am a BLACK WOMAN and therefore, not accusable. I am a CHRISTIAN, so I know about persecution.” And eventually: “Okay, I did it.” She wasn’t embarrassed. Hillary was not embarrassed.

But, oh, the consequences to this poor oppressed Black Woman! She was first hired onto Fox and then hired away to ABC as a commentator. Of course she was. She was now in Mafia terms a “made” woman. She had proven she could and would lie for her employers. Happy to put her thumb on the scale. “Willing to lie and cheat for Democrats. And willing to say anything.” Nice little resume enhancer.

Next Friday’s column will be the last one before the – please, God – Red Tsunami election. We will continue with the Lying Liars theme for obvious reasons. Y’all come back, hear?