Thinking through the case against New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez, Ammo Grrrll has formulated PERFECTLY LOGICAL REASONS TO HAVE GOLD BARS AND HALF A MILLION IN CASH HIDDEN IN YOUR HOUSE! She writes:
Do we have THE best “Parliament of Whores” (hat-tip the late, great P. J. O’Rourke) that money can buy, or what? Sure, some might see the words “Bob Menendez” and “New Jersey” and think there must be the tiniest whiff of scandal, illicit funds, and the like. And also feel a distinct sense of déjà vu since he had almost identical problems with a bribery and influence peddling scandal in 2015. Beat that rap though. Hey, Jake, it’s Jersey!
But those people who think this might be “something” have not thought it through. One day in my local supermarket I saw a fellow wearing a t-shirt from a Philly DUI Defense outfit that said – not making this up – “Just because you did it, doesn’t mean you’re guilty.” And truer words were never spoken as an inspiration to our esteemed Senator from Jersey. It calls to mind the similarly inspiring words of the late, great (if slightly off-color) comic, Richard Pryor who warned that if your wife caught you in a compromising position with a naked woman, you should say, “Baby, this woman lost a contact and I was helping her find it. Who you gonna believe? Me, or your own two lyin’ eyes?”
Hey, you MAGA conspiracy theorists! There are some perfectly logical reasons why a Democrat Politician for Life (but, a Senator only since 2006) who has multiple ex-wives and brings down a quick $174,000 a year might have more than half a million in cash and some shiny gold bars stuffed into pockets, luxury convertibles, and so on. And here are just a few, sent pro bono by your skeptical columnist to Hunter’s mouthpiece, Abbe Normal, who will be representing Mr. Menendez.
• Your most recent wife is very thrifty and has saved all that cash out of the grocery budget.
• You know how some politicians when they sign a bill with a person from every race, creed, and gender standing behind them? And then that politician gives them a spiffy new pen, sometimes even gold? So you were just trying to raise the bar in case you ever become governor or President by stockpiling nice gold bars to hand out as paperweights.
• With the new COVID-187 variety (called in some circles, a “Cold”) on the horizon, you thought you had better lay in some cash to purchase toilet paper, masks, latex gloves, Clorox Wipes, Hand Sanitizer and other hoardables for the impending lockdown.
• You have seen how your new wife looks at her tennis coach who is 40 years younger than you and think maybe it’s time to start hiding a few assets – just in case. You can never be too prepared for another possible divorce.
• You are worried that all the electricity is being used up on electric cars and, in case of an emergency, you won’t be able to access an ATM. When cash counts, you want to have a great big heaping pile of it! Enough to jump in it! Or roll in it, like Uncle Scrooge McDuck!
• Your wife really loves garage sales. And they only take cash.
• You heard you might get to purchase a “previously owned” F-35 at a pretty steep discount. Senators get first crack at it. Some assembly required.
• You are thinking of buying a summer home in Arizona and you are saving up for the monthly Air Conditioning payments.
• As one of the more youthful members of the Democrat Senate Team at only 69, you suddenly remembered you have overdue books from the Union Hill High School library and those fines have accumulated. You plan to pay it off straightaway!
• You have to run for Senate again next year and you need to have some pin money to pay for the professionally homeless to be carted from precinct to precinct to vote for you. No picture I.D., no proof of a permanent address to determine where you might legally vote – once. You got a problem with that? What are you, some kind of anti-democratic, hate-filled abuser of the unhoused?
• You thought the pretty gold bars were really wrapped Chanukah gelt, only bigger. Like your hero and mentor, Joseph Robinette Biden, you spent your youth raised in the synagogues of New Jersey, along with the Black Churches and Catholic churches. You also have all the albums from the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Those albums, by the way, make fabulous places in which to store cash. Hahaha, you jack-booted thugs: you MISSED SOME. Neener, neener.
• You were planning to make a career change and become a rapper named Heavy Beto Ice and you needed those gold bars to fashion some nice jewelry to wear while you rap about how oppressed you are.
• If the whole rap thing doesn’t pan out, you are thinking of going to Dental School and will need some gold for fillings.
• You have almost convinced your wife du jour to wear the little French Maid’s outfit to bed next Saturday and all she asks is a nominal sum in nonsequential small bills.
• You have heard that Epstein’s Island is up for sale and you rather like the thought of your own island, especially one that is advertised with a handwritten sign that says “Best Offer – cash only.” Hey, remember that the Silver Dome in Detroit sold for around half a million, so never give up on a dream.
• You are a Democrat! And a LOYAL one too, not like that skanky switch-hitter from Arizona who you can’t count on. Loyal Democrats – except for one guy — should look nice in well-tailored suits. You had just made an appointment with Men’s Wearhouse to have 5,000 new suits delivered with a discount for cash.
• You met your current wife at an IHOP and she really really really likes pancakes. That’s just tip money for the waitresses.
• You beat the rap on similar charges in 2015 which involved taking $600,000 in campaign contributions to peddle influence, a luxury hotel suite, and free private jet rides. Why in the world would you not continue peddling?
• You are Cuban, by God, and this is just another horrible raaaciss attack. Doesn’t EVERYBODY have hundreds of thousands of dollars hidden in his home?