What’s so funny ’bout peace, love, and A FAILED LIFE COACH? Ammo Grrrll writes:
Trigger Warning: the following column COULD possibly be considered “sexist” or “unfairly stereotypical.” If the talking points I raise do NOT apply to you, then why be offended? And if they do, perhaps it will be a classic “teachable moment.” In any event, it is My Truth and therefore unassailable by any form of Logic known to Man. Or, it goes without saying, Woman. You’ve been warned.
I have read countless articles that state that ONE of the thousand things feminists do not like about male persons is that they want to GIVE advice, SOLVE problems! FIX things! Yes, I have seen it in print!
It seems that, poisoned by toxic testosterone, men do not enjoy endless caterwauling and complaining with no end or solution in sight. Certain kinds of women say they want a man to just listen and sympathize, but never never never should he attempt to “fix” anything. That constitutes “man-splaining” at best and emotional abuse at worst.
In my experience, nearly all of those awful husbands and boyfriends have a definite Statute of Limitations on tossing around discussion of any particular “issue.” On some occasions, boredom or even irritation may set in after the 403rd time Mary Beth complains about her nagging mother or her office-mate, Clara. Especially since Mary Beth, whose mother ceased nagging or even breathing 10 years ago, has also been retired for 20 years.
Listening itself is not a prized male skill. Men are People of Action who would much prefer to SOLVE problems and move on, ideally into a more comfortable room with fewer clothes. Whereas a certain percentage of wives and girlfriends would much prefer to cling to their precious “issues” like a Titanic survivor to a piece of driftwood.
This may be why about 60 percent of my closest friends – which includes my husband – are, in fact, MEN. The women friends who comprise that other 40 percent tend to be problem-solvers and self-starters themselves, even though many of them also own one or more cats. My women friends are veterinarians, engineers, doctors, and lawyers who are just as devoted to Logic as my men friends. Farm girls, cowgirls and soldiers are THE best women friends. Lest you think I am some sort of snob, I also love waitresses, housekeepers, and full-time mothers because they simply do not have TIME for caterwauling or wallowing in psychological distress.
A motivational speaker friend of mine named Karen Kaiser Clark had a great line in one of her many presentations: “The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole.” (See, Claudine? THAT’s how you quote someone. The line is great and I’d love to steal it, but I don’t. Because it isn’t nice.)
Maybe 30, 40 years ago, I heard about a new made-up job called Professional Life Coach. I guess it’s a combination therapist and cheerleader, presumably with good intentions to get people out of their ruts and living a happier life. I wish them all the luck in the world. When you think about what it takes to change our OWN behavior, what hope do we have of changing anyone else’s?
Still, at one time I thought perhaps I could BE a Life Coach because often, even as an amateur, people have brought their problems to my door in much the same way that my cat used to bring half-eaten mice and truck-flattened birds to me as little gifts.
Sadly, all too many people are obviously comfortable in their ruts, will do nothing to get OUT of the rut, and will very quickly get angry at YOU for your “stupid” suggestions. Even though you aren’t a man offering suggestions! Here is a typical luncheon conversation with a woman I will call Henrietta because I do not know any woman with that name. She is also a “composite” of several women of my acquaintance.
“I hate my job. They disrespect me. They don’t give me credit. I’m not paid very much. I hate all my co-workers and my boss. Help me, Susan! What should I do?”
“Quit?”
“QUIT??!! I can’t do that. I need the job to pay the bills!”
“Oh, heck, Henrietta, you were lookin’ for a job when you found that one. I’ve quit dozens of jobs, just ask my husband. Sometimes, I have gone out to lunch and just not come back! I can see by your face you don’t think it’s that easy or like what I’m saying…Okay, why don’t you get a résumé ready, maybe get some more credentialing for something you might enjoy, save as much money as you can while you still have this job in case it takes awhile to find a new job, and think about exactly what it is you’d like to do! It’ll be a fun adventure! Let’s toss ideas around together!”
“Sure, YOU’RE self-confident! YOU had a mother who encouraged you. I have low self-esteem. You have NO IDEA what it’s like to be ME.”
“I give up. What say we split the Chocolate Cheesecake for dessert?…Waiter!”
Henrietta continues. Of course she does: “I am miserable in my relationship. My boyfriend is controlling and man-splaining and man-spreading and sweaty and never does the dishes! What should I do?”
“Leave?”
“How can I leave? I need his half of the rent. In fact, it’s HIS apartment. Aren’t you even listening? Didn’t I just tell you that I have low self-esteem?”
Here is where I stifle the response, “Yes, and you’ve EARNED it…” And give up all hope of being any kind of coach or “influencer” (another new good job, apparently) in her life
Maybe one-word answers are not sufficient?
Maybe people in ruts need to take teeny tiny baby steps forward in order to scale the rut?
Maybe a real football coach needs to say more to his team than “SCORE!”?
Just so people don’t think it’s ONLY women who can’t get off the dime, I had a man friend I’ll call Ferdinand (see above reason) who was a very smart, talented guy who worked with me on night shift. He wanted to be a National Geographic type photographer and was very good at it. Eventually, I started calling him “Yesbut” because every single idea I had that would move him toward his goal, he shot down with “Yes, but, that’s not possible.”
Perhaps the worst thing you can do to such a person is set a constructive counterexample. When I left night shift to try standup comedy and it turned out to be a success, it pretty much ruined the friendship. As long as we were both miserable, he was much happier. When you prove that escape to happiness is possible, it makes people feel uncomfortable because they are still wallowing and they will avoid you like the plague.
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