How to Have the Best First Date Ever!

The great Andrew Klavan has pointed out that some of the best free entertainment on the Internet is found at Everyday Feminism. Right now the site is running a wonderful satire. . . oh wait—this is for real! The item is “Ten Things Every Intersectional Feminist Should Ask on a First Date.” Keep your hot coffee mugs away from your keyboards.

As a queer femme of color, I keep close relationships with people who go beyond allyship; they’re true accomplices in the fight against white supremacy, queerphobia, and misogyny. If you’re not going to support marginalized folks, then we can’t be friends, let alone date. The personal is political. . .

The following list of questions is applicable to all relationships — certainly not just cisgender, heterosexual ones:

1. Do you believe that Black Lives Matter?

Yes? Wonderful. Let’s start here. There are three categories that are non-negotiables for me: an understanding of race, class, and gender. Not everyone understands how these three can be insidious, systemic and intertwined, but anyone who doesn’t take the time to learn how systemic racism works isn’t going to care about how racism affects me or people who are darker-skinned than I am. . .

2. What are your thoughts on gender and sexual orientation?

The gender binary is a tiny box and I wish it didn’t exist, but it does. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who is queer-phobic. One out of many important elements to dismantling patriarchy is to abolish gender roles as well as the limited understanding that we have about sexuality and gender itself. I can’t imagine being with someone who is transphobic; as a feminist and woman of color, it would be a betrayal of what I stand for. Ignoring trans-misogynoir would be to deny one of the biggest, most despicable problems that we face.

There are eight more like this, so enjoy your date. To borrow a line from Woody Allen, this date sounds about as much fun as the Nuremberg Trials. I have a hunch that most feminists who deploy this list on a first date don’t have very many second dates.

But I learned a new term: “misogynoir.” Everyday Feminism helpfully explains:

Misogynoir – a portmanteau that combines “misogyny” and the French word for black, “noir” – is a term coined by the queer Black feminist Moya Bailey to describe the particular racialized sexism that Black women face.

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